MY MENTAL RANDOM THOUGHTS FOR TODAY

May 5, 2016

By Jim Roon, seasoned-reporter-on-the-edge, May 5, 2016  Son Los Cinco!

A SpinningCarousel

That’s the way I interpret the world. The media fills your head with hopeful things. I’m so busy, my head is spinning, all the notes and work they pile up on me.  Arsenio Hall was Prince’s drug dealer-they are still clinging on to that story? Arsenio Hall is suing now.  All the guests got drugs when they came out on his talk show; I saw this.  Why don’t they just put a bullet in his head? Are they still on the air? They film a lot of sh*t, they filmed it all there, right? It was pretty amazing that they created all that in a studio. He had little monkeys working for him. The Chinese are buying Hollywood theaters and they now want to buy the studios.  I hear sirens. I don’t think he cares, I don’t think the nickel and dime stuff really matters to him.

DidYouKnowObamaCare

You should always have a reptile in your camp and a skin-walker too. I like fish sticks, I’m moving to San Francisco to the streets. They showed the little animation and the center of it needs to slip, that would be the epicenter. Let’s say you had a car wreck, a fender bender by Geico, or the new movie Gender Bender; it’s about a guy going around bumping you in the rear.

GeicoHitNRun

They shut my water off today and I forgot to save some water buckets to flush my toilet. So I just let the sh*t pile up in my toilet and I’ll use my cane to stuff the sh*t down when they turn my water back on. You have to be prepared when they shut off your electricity to climb the pole and turn it back on. I’ve done this many times. That was nothing to me.

IceCreamFudgeChunks

I like ice cream. Fudgepacker New York Bend-Over Double Fudge. It’s better than rocky road because it doesn’t have marshmallows that are total HFC’s. But this one has white hard chocolate, walnuts and almonds in it. It don’t have no f****n peanuts in it. It was a bit unusual. I add red onion, celery, good ground up parsley, mustard, vinegar, mayonnaise, salt, paprika, pepper and finally lots and lots of hard boiled eggs. Compared to others I would say it would definitely to my preference is the best, better than any store. Oh and I put some dill relish in it. Guess what is in sweet relish, guess what’s in it ? High f*****g fructose corn syrup! So I put it back on the shelf. They have to put that everywhere! They want the Jews dead, hell the Nazi’s got that started. You should listen to that guy, just to hear about the globalists and the GMOs that they want and he went over everything. He actually talked to Ted Cruz and Ted Cruz is a globalist! He was talking about how important some trades issues; and that is a one-on-one conversation with these people and then they are blabbing. You go to China or Mexico and try to buy property, good luck! Anyone can buy here; the Chinese are buying it like crazy! Anchor babies are everywhere! Chinese pregnant women dropping babies here.

Antenna_photo

Oh it’s raining and I saw some lightning! I always like some lightning. Oh lightning just happened; boomed, there it went.  Glad my antenna isn’t grounded. I hope it rains a lot.

RottenApple

I’m pissed at Apple. They didn’t allow the mayor of Cupertino onto their campus. Apple isn’t paying for any of their infrastructure, the city is. Apple will never move into that stupid space ship; they are a Chinese company now. China is gonna screw them such big time. The butt-f*cker thinks he owns stock but if it goes to China, China will just take it all away.  I’d love to see the Apple security guards against real police officers.  Apple is all rotted and decayed since Steve died; Apple doesn’t pay taxes at all. Wait til they find out what Google is doing to them; that floating piece of sh*t. I think we should declare war on all corporations, they are the ones who have destroyed our country. Hilary she’s all about cashing in; can you imagine what she looks like without makeup? I have a peanut butter jelly sandwich on me. Goodbye.

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Editors note:  Thanks Jim for another insightful rambling article. Really Jim, get some help!

IanALSimers, head honcho 🙂

please-have-a-seat-just-so-you-know-the-while-poprocks-in-the-litter-box-was-not-funny-not-funny-at-all-meme-1449861735

BREAKING NEWS! TRUMP SCRAPES OFF THE CATSHIT

May 4, 2016

By Jim Roon

Great news for Trump. The Catshit was scraped off his shoe only to be replaced by a witch.

Dark times are coming.

hillary-witch

Her black cat shitted on Trump’s shoe!

BlackCatTakingAShit

I received this video message on my iPhone today, most peculiar to say the least:

My random thoughts after watching the video:

I heard Bill & Hillary’s new group: ButtBumpers In Love.  Has sports illustrated gone porn? Go ahead sports illustrated, show that wiener! Does it go to 5th Avenue? Well that’s what they need to stop doing right now.  If it employs people in the media then it goes to their bottom line profit, it goes to the bankers and the politicians. But if it goes to the employees, not the corporations heads and if they don’t want to pay the cameraman 2 million dollars for doing the camera work then they don’t do it.  Are they going to hire anyone for that money?  I want people to work for their money, giving out welfare is not answer. Jellyfishes don’t fight back, she’s gonna wear him down so much that he’s going to feel guilty. Food theft is not a crime if you are hungry. Have a lot of GMO food around the house just for the thieves. Sugar will f**k up your car and give it diabetes.

 

 

TRUMP CAN’T SEEM TO GET RID OF CATSHIT ON HIS SHOE!

May 3, 2016

Trump at the Vatican

close up of the sole of his shoe below

soleofshoe copy

 

By Jim Roon, reporter-at-large

It has become increasing impossible for Trump to shake the sticking catshit (sp?Kasich) off his shoe.  But finally he was able to flick off that pesky Booger-boy right into the face of bat-boy.

cruz-booger-575x496

ElfinMarco

Karlee-deVille is still recovering from her fall from the stage of politics into a vat of water where she will slowly dissolve away into obscurity.

cruella-de-vil

And on another note:

 

Ben Carson :: Flour Pharaoh

Ben Bacteria

I interviewed Dr. Ben Bacteria who said that the pyramids in Egypt were built by Joseph to store all of the grain, and the fissure oils for Pharaoh’s fistula, water, wine and vegetables grown in the region.  He even said that the Sphinx used to eliminate loaves of freshly baked brown bread–still warm! That is the mysterious room under the Sphinx–a bakery!

sphinx-rear copy

 

And occasionally a gentle soft yellow rain would flow from the rear of the Sphinx to cleanse the Pharaoh.  This has been sold for centuries as the ambrosia of los banos.

yellow-drink-bottle-120622

Today we refer to this ambrosia that the los banians drink  daily as Tom Cat spray!

 

BARAFRICA BRACES FOR HURRICANE PFFFFFFT!

October 24, 2015

HURRICANE PFFFT! APPROACHES

BREAKING NEWS…..FOR IMMEDIATELY RELEASE

by Ben Carson, Lead Field Investigative Reporter and baby bwrain surgeon

Strong winds have been reported through the Craqu+e Valley in the Buttc-heek Mountain Range upwards of 200 mph.

CraqueRocks

Cracqu+e is the scientific name for the element found in the valley.

It has been beneficial to the working people of the Ass-Stink tibe in the town as they ingest it and have been tearing the town apart by disassembling their vehicles, equipment, appliances, electrical transfer stations, waste treatment plants, subway systems, and this has caused a boom to the as tribe as it is costing billions of barafricos to rebuild.

Images I was able to capture before the Ass-Stinks torched my rented RV!

RVmotorhomefire_thumb

Chief of Police, Sandy R. Ectum who assured me the culprits would be caught!

drugs-woman-4_1833998i1

Here’s a picture of the Mayor or Governor, who can tell after years of use they all look the same to me!

An elected official?

An elected official?

 

More examples of the industriousness of the Ass-Stinks!

                            StrippedCar                                        JunkBrownSedan

PileOfTrashedOldTVs

JunkedRefrigerator           BADCOPPERSIGN

 

 

UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE!

LATEST IMAGES OF HURRICANE PFFFT!

saturn-hurricane-cassini

The blood red eye is now headed straight for the capitol of Barafrica where the Amabo resides.

CrazyIndian cartoonThe above illustration shows Chief Dog Breaking Wind making preparations for the Amabo!

More to follow…… B. Carson

 

Thanks Ben, Good Work!

Ian AL Simers, head honcho

And…we’re back!

October 21, 2015

by Ian AL Simers

We are all back together now that Jim Roon has been released from the Gabriel Nervous Clinic (GNC) in Lisbon.  He took to the healing waters very well and also lost 150 pounds (and 3 1/2 pounds of tapeworms) and got rid of his persistent foot fungus.  So Jim is back with us waiting until next month when he will have his prolapsed rectum repaired at the Mercy-mee Hospital.  Expect a full report entitled “From an Outie to an Innie” complete with pictures during and after surgery.  Way to go Jim!  Ben Carson and J. Olsen are still on the road in their rented RV scouring the vast lands of Barafrica for the latest information on the Muletoes and AssStink tribes.

More to come as the news flows in!

Ian AL Simers, head honcho🙂

 

 

Hobo Junction No Longer Functions

May 21, 2015
homeless-5

We’ve all seen this!

 

For Immediate Release.

By Ben Carson, reporter on the road.

Finally a city has gotten it right in dealing with those freaks at intersections in any city in any state.  Posting a sign that clearly states where the down and out can call for help with needed ‘food’ and ‘lodging’ and also stating where ‘concerned citizens’ (i.e. bleeding heart idiots who give money to these street corner beggars) can donate money to the ’cause’.   I hope that ALL cities adopt this method!  By the way, the ordinance that this sign lists is an ordinance against criminal trespass.  PERFECT!

StreetSign

No Hobos No More! The Best Hobo Repellant!

 

 

SignUpClose

Absolutely BRILLIANT!

 

FB_IMG_1421039255096

2014 in review from WordPress

December 30, 2014

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2014 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

A San Francisco cable car holds 60 people. This blog was viewed about 780 times in 2014. If it were a cable car, it would take about 13 trips to carry that many people.

Click here to see the complete report.

Apple announces new 2014 products for the ultimate MacTard

September 9, 2014

 

by IanALSimers, head honcho🙂

 

frustrated_w640

 

BREAKING NEWS!

After wasting over two hours of my life (which I want back Apple!) in tortuous anticipation through many, many video delays not to mention watching the ‘real’ internet-cast with Chinee transration ….

computer frustration

 

zachary_smith

Apple’s new CEO, Dr. Zachary Smith.

Apple’s CEO announced the new iWatch.

Our own cub reporter, J. Olsen, was able to retrieve this item on a recent tour of the campus and was able to remove it from the premises and avoid detection by security by secreting it in his anal orifice.  This watch IS the new consumer ready watch; NOT the watch that was presented today at the Cupertino Gathering. These watches are slated to be available sometime in 2015.

watch

Please forgive the poor resolution, his camera was hidden in the same orifice and it appears the lens has some matter on it. Wipe off the lens next time!

 

A New Larger Phone for the Rest Of Us

In response to it’s aging consumer base; Apple also announced a new larger iPhone, the iPhone 100+.  Note the easy keypad with patented “reach-around” access. Making and receiving calls have been streamlined to the utmost efficiency. These phones will be sold at full retail everywhere to increase flexibility and portability of providers.

firstcellphone1

Hello? Hello? Can you hear me now?

A New Method To Pay For Everything – iPay

danger-icloud

You never get a bill!  All transactions are taken care of by Apple in their iCloud! You can complete your transactions using the new iPhone or iWatch and let Steve take care of the rest.  It’s nice to know a billionaire!

 

iJar_SJobs

I knew it! You never died Steve!

steve-jobs-cheese-head

Oh, they remembered he’s a vegan. Bon Appétit, Steve!

 

Conclusion

Well that’s the highlights of the 2014 presentation.  Sure there were others who went on and on about gobbledy gook and talked about the magic of secure_space for all your iCloud transactions. Well, we know how secure the cloud is. 😉

My suggestion to Apple is to add another head to the cloud.

 

Controller_computer

The new Controller Computer complete with Spock brain.

 

SpockShockedEyebrow

WWWWWWHHHHHHHAAAAAAATTTTTT?

AFTER ALL, TWO HEADS ARE BETTER THAN ONE!

Stay enlightened my friends.

IanALSimers, head honcho🙂

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

2013 in review

January 1, 2014

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2013 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

A San Francisco cable car holds 60 people. This blog was viewed about 1,200 times in 2013. If it were a cable car, it would take about 20 trips to carry that many people.

Click here to see the complete report.

Note to my readers:

My readership has gone down along with my mental status. God Damned Digital Airwaves and Fukushima Radiation. I personally don’t care anymore and I am spending most of my time in opium dens run by little Chineese women. My creative crack reporters are all on crack which makes keeping you all up to date very difficult. Especially since I am in an opium fog most of the time and have shit myself more than I’d like to admit. Maybe I’ll switch to crack and get motivated to write more about current events.  Oooh did you see that? Oh just another floater in my eye. Well, gotta go now, got another bloody nose.

Ian Al Simers, Head Honcho and constipated writer😦

2013 Year In Review And 2014 Predictions

January 1, 2014
HA! I WAS RIGHT!

Jim Roon in trance in France.

By Jim Roon, soothsayer and head reporter

HA! I WAS RIGHT ON TARGET! And speaking of Target, in 2014 Gabe’s Cocks will go out of business due to a bank computer glitch that wiped out his account. The bankruptcy judge will be selling his cock on Saturday to the highest bidder at auction to satisfy the Honey Badgers as they attempt to collect their tribute from the once great company.

Freak doesn't even cover this behavior!

Freaky doesn’t even begin to describe this!

As I predicted, many movie starlets have been observed eating cat turds, one for example is Miley Syphilis who has taken her cat fancy to new disturbing levels at the direct command of the great AMABO. Her erratic behavior is further evidence of her addiction to the cat fecal matter.

iBleed money, do you?

iBleed money, do you?

In late 2013 Apple introduced the new emasculating top-of-their-line computer, the iTAMPON. This item will soon be discontinued because it ships with only the outside and not the actual tampon inside the tube.

Now for my 2014 PREDICTIONS.

Finally the Muleattoes are pushed over the limit and revolt against the AMABO. This causes Icky-PooPoo to rumble in terror. Watch for these signs:

falling-rock-safety-sign4-manFallingRockCartsunamisign

TsunamiCity

When these signs appear to you, you will know that the Galactic Federation is fed up with Chief Dog Breaking Wind’s antics and has begun bombarding the earth with alien garbage that appears to be rocks but that are really alien burnt up turds that will contaminate the earth with a virus that causes explosive uncontrollable diarrhea (runny shits) and severe dehydration.

Explosivediahrrea-toilet-edit

That's a 3 pounder if I've ever seen one!

That’s a 3 pounder if I’ve ever seen one!

PooPantsLongRun

Oooh, I can smell it from here!

Severe dehydration - the first step in Our New Food.

Severe dehydration – the first step in Our New Food.

One giant turd meant for Chief Dog Breaking Wind will land off the west coast of Barafrica causing a giant tsunami which will envelope the Herpés-Sore island where the Chief is spending the country’s inheritance on gay hookers and rare barbee dolls that remind him of his childhood.

trailer_trash-barbie

Do ya got a light honey? Buy me a beer, I’m drinkin’ fer two!

It's A Gay Anemone!

It’s A Gay Anemone!

Out of this chaos, will come another chief, Chief Oozing Toe Fungus from the AssStink Tribe. His trusted son, FleckAPoo who has been a medicine man for many years, will conduct a nation-wide cleansing which will result in massive shortages of baby-butt wipes. INVEST NOW! Buy as many packages as you can, they will be worth more than GOLD!

baby-wipes

Worth their weight in GOLD!!

UsedToiletRolls-edit

“Slightly Used”? Great!

Finally, Chief Oozing Toe Fungus will replace Chief Dog Breaking Wind and topple the Muleattoes rule over Barafrica. Cheezy Poofs and Grape Soda once again become plentiful as the Great Cleansing becomes complete. The AssStink Tribe begins to rebuild the Barafrican economy by building more casinos and encouraging tourism. All the bodies of the dead that have dehydrated from the diarrhea will be ground up and a new unlimited food source for the cheesy poofs industry will be created.

That is all I can see for now. Going into these altered states is very taxing. I will continue to submit my predictions as they manifest in my head.

Jim Roon, soothsayer and head reporter

Breaking Wind News!

December 22, 2013
HoneyBadger1

THE NEW TRIBUTE COLLECTORS!

Today in the great agricultural zone known as The Giant Smear in the kingdom of Barafrica, The Great Wind appeared that spreads the badgers. Millions of honey badgers were flung throughout the surrounding countryside. There are reports of a great number of Barafrican peasants who have perished at the insatiable voracious appetite of the relentless honey badgers. Them honey badgers are BAD-ASS! Not a single one died in the Great Wind! The great ruler of the kingdom saw how effective these small animals were in being resistant to ANYTHING, because they are TOUGH AS SHIT!

honeybadger3

Where’s my money?

Our cub reporter, J. Olsen has a contact deep inside the anals of the great leader’s home. He reported back to us that AMABO is in the process of training almost 20,000 more of these honey badgers to collect his tribute from the peasants. They are trained to occasionally eat the peasant even after they pay the tribute. The uproar in the kingdom doesn’t matter to the honey badger, ’cause he’s BAD-ASS! He’ll eat your children while you watch and if you don’t pay up and run, he’ll eat you too! He’ll chase you down and squirt his stink on you!

The arrow points to the Perianal Resort.

The arrow points to the Perianal Resort.

As a result of this new program, the people have quit working and have gone into hiding, due to the decrease in tribute, the AMABO had to call Sheenequa and Mudflaps and his breeding partner Shelly, back from the Perianal Resort off the Hemorrhoid Coast of Barafrica where they fled from the trained honey badgers.

IanALSimers, head honcho and sufferer.

2012 in review

January 2, 2013

The WordPress.com stats Helper Monkeys prepared a 2012 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

600 people reached the top of Mt. Everest in 2012. This blog got about 2,300 views in 2012. If every person who reached the top of Mt. Everest viewed this blog, it would have taken 4 years to get that many views.

Click here to see the complete report.

Predictions for 2013

December 22, 2012
The Amazing Jim Roon Predicts!

The Amazing Jim Roon Predicts!

by Jim Roon, contributing reporter and in-house Psychic

During the convergence of the galactic center and the alignment of the planets to the Mayan temple in the jungles of Central America, where I was stationed to witness this great event, I became psychic and can now see the past, present, and future beyond infinity. I really enjoyed the cuisine of mushrooms and cocoa leaves.

std_tampon

As Fashion Week draws near, I have uncovered a new trend for 2013. All men will now be encouraged to be Pussies. Men ! Fold your extra fat in the front. Women walk in front of men, men slink behind by the string of a woman’s tampon. This will become very popular in San Francisco, they will insert tampons in their rectums.
“Honey follow the string, use it for dental floss when you are done with dinner”. Floss as you tug. This idea was started with the Centi-Pad concept.

New currency will come into effect, Prep H to be used liberally when AMABO gives it to us in the ass. This came to me in a flash of pain while I was sitting on the pointed summit of one of the Mayan temples.

June 2013 Vatican City: the Pope releases over 7500 small boys who were kept in the basement and apologizes to the rest of the clergy for giving up their party favors.

altarboy

And you’ve always wondered what was below the Vatican!

Weather changes: Many storms, sometimes cold, sometimes warm. A tsunami 50 feet high will hit Greenland but nobody will notice. A large sheet of ice will form over the Bay of the Crooked Thumb and it will not recede until the rainbow with tinkerbell-fairy appear. Climate change will be proven true because of the many changes in temperature all over the world. There will be seasons Fall, Winter, Spring and Summer. These changes will require different types of clothing, which will fuel the slagging economy of Barafrica.

Al Gore will gut himself on live television in protest of the founding of the Internet Museum where he was overlooked as the ‘inventor of the internet’.

Barafrica will become a world recognized super power as the highly volatile IckyPooPoo volcano’s energy will be harnessed and used to threaten the rest of the globe. Barafrica will also become the number one vacation destination for tourism and the cruise ships will be full of people and deadly viruses.

There will be a blockbuster movie that will make over 100 million Barafricos; but will be banned because it offends the Great Leader and his message. Many movie star overdoses in the coming year. One particular movie starlet will choke to death on cat turds which will become the latest craze in the Hollywood crowd: feasting on other people’s cat’s litterboxes.

The cost of Grape Soda will drop to record levels; as the AMABO tries to appease the tribes of Barafrica to quell possible demonstrations and rioting over the new price increases in Cheesy Poofs. Barafrican lions will torture and eat stray tourists for their BBC (Barafrico Benefitoes Card) cards to fuel the lion’s new methamphetamine habit and hookers.

Gabe’s Cocks will e*x*p*a*n*d from raising cocks in a barn to offering beer, wine and spirits in a cozy atmosphere at the barn across the road. The regular Gabe’s Con-Cocktion (ground up chicks) will be the featured dish and the restaurant/bar will be named GFC (Gabe’s Fried Cocks). Take a bucket home for the family. It’s the popcorn bucket surprise! Surprise your significant other with GFC’s! GFC’s are ground up chicks that are dropped into 500 degree hot oil feathers and all to make those mouth-watering morsels. GMO certified chicks and oil. All natural GMO (Gabes Mommy’s Ok).

Once again, everyone will forget my birthday and I will be alone drinking my Kettelle Onay and playing my annual birthday game of russian roulette (deer hunter style–is there any other way!?).

2012 Year-In-Review

December 22, 2012
The One True Crystal Head vodka

The One True Crystal Head vodka

Commentary by Ian AL Simers, head honcho

Well December 21 came and went and I completed my Crystal Skull Vodka Ceremony while hovering over The Great AMABO’s Drinking Fountain (the Sacred Porcelain Bowl).

The senior council at the Barafrican Council has re-elected Chief Dog Breaking Wind as Supreme Commander of the Muleattoe Tribe. This caused a great unrest in the nation as the subservient AssStink tribe is getting restless as the Muleattoes are attempting to take away their bows and arrows claiming that the Muleattoes will keep them safe and protect and feed them.

Currently the AMABO is at the base of the sacred IckyPooPoo volcano as it oozes AMABO snot into the ocean. He is sacrificing the rights of the country into the molten mouth of the volcano.

We have received from confidential sources close to The Great Leader startling information about the spawn of the AMABO, Sheeneequa and Mudflaps (S & M), who are being bred with jackals in the hopes that one of the bitches will have a litter and we can witness another round of Gabe’s Cock Fights to determine who will take over the Trident Of Power in four years.

The AMABO has begun a community-based mind control program called Operation-MF.  The reporter below will give the directive to the targets. Listen carefully to what she is forced to say.

And this reporter talking to Canadians about the UN??

This is certainly the call to the wild for the Jackals to come in to the heat of the IckyPooPoo Volcano to drop spawn into the loins of The Great Leader’s bitches.

There will be many ceremonies during this dark time of The Spawn; such as the Muleattoe’s celebration upon hoisting their savior. They appear to need ‘Harvey’s Milk’?

I am looking forward to spending my New Year’s Eve with my reporters Jim Roon and J. Olsen.

GMO Food is Good For You

GMO Food is Good For You

We are planning to spend the next year underground in our bunker eating all this GMO food since the Mayans screwed us over, again.

2011 in review

January 2, 2012

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2011 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

A San Francisco cable car holds 60 people. This blog was viewed about 1,400 times in 2011. If it were a cable car, it would take about 23 trips to carry that many people.

Click here to see the complete report.