BREAKING NEWS ALERT

December 31, 2017

By Ian AL Simers, head honcho

BSS CHOCOLATE-LOG

Elktre Moussee has just announced that starting in 2018 he will be offering a new adventure cruise on his latest acquisition, the Chocolate-Log, a nukeclear submarine that can hold 213,000 passengers who would pay 5000 Barafricos per person to traverse the North Pole completely submerged.  The voyage would depart the northern drippy-tip of Barafrica and then submerge under the area known as ‘the Leftnut’ and continue it’s trajectory toward Santa’s house.

 

All meals will be included as well as entertainments, including ice sculpting lessons in the main torpedo tube.

 

The cruise would take, provided there are no accidents, 8 hours and 14 minutes or two days, whichever comes first.  At the end of the cruise, passengers will depart in the Swiss Alps.  Return trip tickets can be found in Elktre chocolate bars and, if you don’t want the chocolate bars, prepare for a long walk home.

Elktre Moussee will be one of the passengers on the maiden voyage, pre-purchase your tickets at http://www.IceStationZebra.barf.com.

Elktre Moussee says, “Come On Board Sailor! All Alcohol is DUTY FREE!”

 

 

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2018 PREDICTIONS

December 29, 2017

by Shee-La Rooney, from the Island of Puffy Faces

***********************************

After two bottles of Hennessey,  here’s my predictions for 2018.

This year more Barafricans will be playing Wheel of Fortune with their Barafricos.  Sales of vowels will skyrocket!

 

All the enemies of the new Chief will be exiled to Obscurity–a place from which no one returns.

 

The known snake oil salesman Alias Sobriquet has convinced all Barafricans to exchange their Barafricos and food stores to a virtual crypto-currency called The Bezos. They are so proud of themselves as the captain sails away with all their worldly possessions. As they are starving, they will realize they should have listened to the great Trumpest.

 

The new Chief will build a wall around Barafrica to keep all the Barafricans in.

 

The current NFL will fold due to the fact that 1) no fans 2) no sponsors and finally 3) no players. The league decides to reorganize and open up to new players.

Auditions for the new National Flatulence League.

 

Highlights from THE FUTURE (ol’ Jim could NEVER DO THAT)  of the NFL contest between the Cleveland Cows and the Houston Hippopotamuses.

The Cows:

And the Hippos: https://youtu.be/PSKQ3ZNQ_O8?t=16s

A close contest but the Hippos win.

 

Space aliens are back in the news. Barafrica will be visited by beings from another galaxy.  They will bring gifts of viruses and pestilence and will want in return to eat all the Portuguese.

 

This will be the first Olympics where men and women can select which team they want to be on and what gender they will be representing. This will result in all the women sitting on the benches/sidelines.  Barafrica will not be attending the 2018 winter Olympics as the new Chief will have destroyed Ching Chong in Bing Bong in Norte Kia with just one intense look from his eyes the lightning laser bolts shoot out and vaporize the country. The aliens then will be awarded the land of Norte Kia to use a galactic rest stop, featuring 17 full service restrooms and several strategically located flushing stations and a quickie mart.

 

I will be divorcing Jim as he keeps shoving me into the background and won’t let me speak. It’s no fun to be locked up all the time. Inside me, that’s where I scream. I scream on the inside. What are you looking at bus-man?

**************************

Thank you Shee-La, good luck to you girl and you might want to have someone check out those dead-eyes of yours.

Ian AL Simers,

slightly nervous head honcho  😉

2017 YEAR IN REVIEW

December 29, 2017

By Ian AL Simers, head honcho 😉

The Trumpster brings back beverages once banned by Amabo: grape soda out, Hennesey in.

Here we see the leader of the Muletoes enjoying the first ceremonial drink

 

It has been a profitable 2017 for both the AssStink and Muletoes. The new Chief has brought back prosperity to the land of Barafrica. The followers of the Amabo have not given up so easily however and are constantly spreading lies and misinformation and sedition. The new Chief showed that he will deal with them in his own time. By flood and fire and medical terminal diagnosis he is flushing the government of the imbibed embedded traitors.

This was the year of the great solar eclipse. All of Barafrica went dark but then the new Chief stared at the sun and it came back. Great partying ensued.

Trumpster points skyward demanding Sun to return

 

The Trumpster is pleased with the Sun.

 

More celebrity pedophiles died this year. The National Flatulence League (NFL) sports teams had the worst year ever for viewership/attendance and canceled their Sunday night games.

Jim Rooney had another nervous breakdown spending months isolated in the basement of his mid century bungalow picking at the sores on his face and eating the scabs. He reemerged just in time for the shortest day of the year. This picture was taken as he emerged.

FYI he keeps his extra scabs in a pillbox of his mother’s where he also keeps his toenail clippings

 

It is thought that during his disappearance one of his many personalities was busy torching the entire country of Barafrica burning thousands of villages, farmland, and huts; adding to the already swelling numbers of the hut-less population who now live in their horse drawn wagons in the streets of the sand valley. The governor of the province has declared that this is the new normal with this official statement, “We will be burning the fuck out of the hillsides and prevent you from rebuilding your homes.  Fuck you! We know better than you.  Oh and we be taxing/takin/stealin more of your Barafricos so that you can be broke! But the weather is nice.”

40% of the Barafricans have become sick from the smoke and the burning of the aluminum dust from the weather modifications program to kill the population. Sales of asbestos clothing have skyrocketed.

Ching Chong from Bing Bong in Norte Kia has a missile and has been flinging it. Neighboring countries are worried.

This year was most prosperous and the next year is looking to be also.  Unless some asshat decides to declare war–conventional or unconventional–and then well it’s been real folks!  🙂

2017 Predictions

December 31, 2016

mad-as-hell

By Jim Roon, sometime soothsayer

2017 is going to be a very interesting year.  After smoking 3 rocks of crack taking after our beloved AMABO, here are my predictions for 2017. (Jimmy smoke crack and he don’t care–Ed.)

Your house is going to have to be hooked up to the electric grid, you could hope for an EMP plus that’s how they are going to kill 90% in this state.  Load your trunk up with black-market merchandise.  Who needs water to flush a toilet? We will run on compressed air, that really scares all the rats that live in the sewer.  AMABO is going to move to kaliforkina and declare it an independent country which he will then rule over with Shelly, Mudflaps and Sheenequa, but not before establishing the crack corridor.  The third rail will be touched and kill the high speed rail but not before the earthquake that will completely destroy Glass Valley and Shit-hole by the Bay will be flushed out. The underground tunnels will be destroyed and spill out all the reptilians and dulceneans.

The TrumPence will assume the new leadership of Barafrica. They will change Barafrica and free the repressed tribes. We will be going back to Mayberry the small town populated with many confirmed bachelors.  Single males, they are animals.  That’s why when I fill out the forms I put N/A.  I don’t know what I am, so where do I go to the bathroom? In my pants! Unisex pants will become the latest fashion because of its ease of use by security guards in front of cheerleaders and security guards at other locations.  There’s a built in camel-toe in these pants because we have become pussies.  Later in the year, boots will become fashionable again as the ass-kicking starts, episode one ‘the beginnings’.  There will be an economic boom and then a big bust. Stock market manipulations and contusions will lower taxes and increase jobs to repair the kingdom infrastructure. Planned parenthood will be discovered to have defaulted on the Sanger Eugenics foundation and will be ordered to kill more AssStink and Muletoe babies. Regulations will be changed to use pitchforks and shovels, babies will be considered tiny horse-fishes or what’s more commonly known as sea horses, shrimps, prawns–ooh seafood that’s good right about now.  I’ve hankering for some Long John Silvers.   I see lots of people in the Los-Banos-Sinkhole prison; they got an open house for the public Tuesdays and Saturdays.

You are at a certain time and certain place and your school told you how to think they were in compliant with the state otherwise they would be shut down.  Like a cross-dresser, but cross-pollination education. These were public school assistance that went to a private school and they caused my asthma.  Accomplishment is more so with your soul for why you are here and you die. Debbie Reynolds and Carrie Fisher are dead and I predict she will come back as a snake, she did drugs and got high all the time. Was she really a toweley type of person? Is it better to give everything away and live in poverty? Are the rest of us failures? What is accomplishment? It’s hard to push a prius through the asshole of a camel than get into heaven.  We will all see the Time Continuum.  I got in, he had to lie.  I don’t know how this is going to turn out, a lot of f*****s have to go away.  Are they going to have balls? I wouldn’t know as I Am Neutered so speak to my brother.  Me and my monkey write Shakespearean sonnets.  We are close to the Soylent Green era.

The internet is going to become a punch card that will be re-created through a 3-D printer. The blueprints are out there.  We will be operating 50 years into the past.  It’s 1967, the Summer of Love in SanFranDickhole where everything is roses and dandelions and the cock-docking is done daily.  I get to watch my gut grow and get more bloated, but dammit he owes me a dinner as I won the bet.  The compounds are easy to put together, I want the blue gold. Put it on your lips when you are down in the weeds, waiting for the ducks and snakes. Make sure you have the suit. It’s a weight loss program.  I start working freelance, betting Sugar to show!  It will be mandatory that every citizen is a Jim Morrison immigrant, open the Doors, open the Doors, Come On Baby Light My Fire, This Is the End Gloria, my LA Woman–she’s a red headed devil.

All through 2017, Prince will remain dead.

Finally, the government will announce to the public later this year that on December 26, 2016, we were hit with a galactic wave and yes, we are all dead now.

Feel better and don’t take things so seriously.
But I am dead inside.

 

Thanks Jim, once again you’ve pushed the envelope of your sanity to bring us some great predictions.

IanALSimers
editor in chief and head honcho  🙂

 

2016 Year End Wrap Up

December 25, 2016

by IanALSimers, editor-in-chief and head honcho

Well another year has passed and what a year!  The people of Barafrica have spoken LOUDLY and have a new Chief, in spite of the heavy vote tampering by the Amabo and his successor. Whether or not the Amabo will relinquish control is still to be seen. The AMABO is out but what is puzzling, he does not care who he ignores; he is living in his own world.  He has caught wind and has been completely consumed and is only a mindless drone now.  Drones are now delivering packages to locations; heavy as a brother.  Choke on it! Choke on it!  The drones are now circling the Icky-Poo-Poo.

The cheempqlan are being left behind and the muletoes are under attack.  It has been determined that the Shrew must go back to Shrew Island to eat more babies and disappear and that Shelly-mitch is a manly bitch.

This was the year of the protest.

The theme of this year’s Barafrican Tribal Election Collective can be summed up in this song (please skip the commercial).

I’m thinking the bears represent the new Chief’s hair or something to that effect.

Speaking of our soon-to-be Chief, here is a clip of his campaign promises that he will fulfill!

That is where everything starts is the enema because they are really cracking down on that fake news.  My reporters have never ever reported fake news.  Any one who does that is a worthless f*****n piece of s**t. That is a stick on fire and yes that is a dangerous weapon. I like to smoke fags, but they are now legal in some regions of Barafrica.  The Barafrican government cannot do anything right because it has become a running joke some of the lower level lawgivers have spoken and it must be recorded.

We have had some anal fissures and the Icky-Poo-Poo volcano has squirted on some villages.  Some people have died and some people have lived. A few are in the hospital, some will recover others will not.

Gabe’s cocks was in the news planning to re open his cocks-mashing facility after some heavy litigation in the courts.  This comes a great time in Barafrica where the people’s hopes are high and mass consumption of cock-tails is expected to continue to rise among the population.

THE NEW LOGO OF GABE’S COCKS

It has been a very tumultuous year for the people of Barafrica. But as we come to the end we all are in great anticipation as to what the new leader will bring. The AssStink and Muletoes await a profitable 2017, overflowing with endless Chessy Poofs and grape soda.

I and my crack reporters will, as always, be very vigilant in reporting the news of Barafrica.

chemtrailswritteninsky

IanALSimers, head honcho   🙂

 

 

MY MENTAL RANDOM THOUGHTS FOR TODAY

May 5, 2016

By Jim Roon, seasoned-reporter-on-the-edge, May 5, 2016  Son Los Cinco!

A SpinningCarousel

That’s the way I interpret the world. The media fills your head with hopeful things. I’m so busy, my head is spinning, all the notes and work they pile up on me.  Arsenio Hall was Prince’s drug dealer-they are still clinging on to that story? Arsenio Hall is suing now.  All the guests got drugs when they came out on his talk show; I saw this.  Why don’t they just put a bullet in his head? Are they still on the air? They film a lot of sh*t, they filmed it all there, right? It was pretty amazing that they created all that in a studio. He had little monkeys working for him. The Chinese are buying Hollywood theaters and they now want to buy the studios.  I hear sirens. I don’t think he cares, I don’t think the nickel and dime stuff really matters to him.

DidYouKnowObamaCare

You should always have a reptile in your camp and a skin-walker too. I like fish sticks, I’m moving to San Francisco to the streets. They showed the little animation and the center of it needs to slip, that would be the epicenter. Let’s say you had a car wreck, a fender bender by Geico, or the new movie Gender Bender; it’s about a guy going around bumping you in the rear.

GeicoHitNRun

They shut my water off today and I forgot to save some water buckets to flush my toilet. So I just let the sh*t pile up in my toilet and I’ll use my cane to stuff the sh*t down when they turn my water back on. You have to be prepared when they shut off your electricity to climb the pole and turn it back on. I’ve done this many times. That was nothing to me.

IceCreamFudgeChunks

I like ice cream. Fudgepacker New York Bend-Over Double Fudge. It’s better than rocky road because it doesn’t have marshmallows that are total HFC’s. But this one has white hard chocolate, walnuts and almonds in it. It don’t have no f****n peanuts in it. It was a bit unusual. I add red onion, celery, good ground up parsley, mustard, vinegar, mayonnaise, salt, paprika, pepper and finally lots and lots of hard boiled eggs. Compared to others I would say it would definitely to my preference is the best, better than any store. Oh and I put some dill relish in it. Guess what is in sweet relish, guess what’s in it ? High f*****g fructose corn syrup! So I put it back on the shelf. They have to put that everywhere! They want the Jews dead, hell the Nazi’s got that started. You should listen to that guy, just to hear about the globalists and the GMOs that they want and he went over everything. He actually talked to Ted Cruz and Ted Cruz is a globalist! He was talking about how important some trades issues; and that is a one-on-one conversation with these people and then they are blabbing. You go to China or Mexico and try to buy property, good luck! Anyone can buy here; the Chinese are buying it like crazy! Anchor babies are everywhere! Chinese pregnant women dropping babies here.

Antenna_photo

Oh it’s raining and I saw some lightning! I always like some lightning. Oh lightning just happened; boomed, there it went.  Glad my antenna isn’t grounded. I hope it rains a lot.

RottenApple

I’m pissed at Apple. They didn’t allow the mayor of Cupertino onto their campus. Apple isn’t paying for any of their infrastructure, the city is. Apple will never move into that stupid space ship; they are a Chinese company now. China is gonna screw them such big time. The butt-f*cker thinks he owns stock but if it goes to China, China will just take it all away.  I’d love to see the Apple security guards against real police officers.  Apple is all rotted and decayed since Steve died; Apple doesn’t pay taxes at all. Wait til they find out what Google is doing to them; that floating piece of sh*t. I think we should declare war on all corporations, they are the ones who have destroyed our country. Hilary she’s all about cashing in; can you imagine what she looks like without makeup? I have a peanut butter jelly sandwich on me. Goodbye.

*************************

Editors note:  Thanks Jim for another insightful rambling article. Really Jim, get some help!

IanALSimers, head honcho  🙂

please-have-a-seat-just-so-you-know-the-while-poprocks-in-the-litter-box-was-not-funny-not-funny-at-all-meme-1449861735

BREAKING NEWS! TRUMP SCRAPES OFF THE CATSHIT

May 4, 2016

By Jim Roon

Great news for Trump. The Catshit was scraped off his shoe only to be replaced by a witch.

Dark times are coming.

hillary-witch

Her black cat shitted on Trump’s shoe!

BlackCatTakingAShit

I received this video message on my iPhone today, most peculiar to say the least:

My random thoughts after watching the video:

I heard Bill & Hillary’s new group: ButtBumpers In Love.  Has sports illustrated gone porn? Go ahead sports illustrated, show that wiener! Does it go to 5th Avenue? Well that’s what they need to stop doing right now.  If it employs people in the media then it goes to their bottom line profit, it goes to the bankers and the politicians. But if it goes to the employees, not the corporations heads and if they don’t want to pay the cameraman 2 million dollars for doing the camera work then they don’t do it.  Are they going to hire anyone for that money?  I want people to work for their money, giving out welfare is not answer. Jellyfishes don’t fight back, she’s gonna wear him down so much that he’s going to feel guilty. Food theft is not a crime if you are hungry. Have a lot of GMO food around the house just for the thieves. Sugar will f**k up your car and give it diabetes.

 

 

TRUMP CAN’T SEEM TO GET RID OF CATSHIT ON HIS SHOE!

May 3, 2016

Trump at the Vatican

close up of the sole of his shoe below

soleofshoe copy

 

By Jim Roon, reporter-at-large

It has become increasing impossible for Trump to shake the sticking catshit (sp?Kasich) off his shoe.  But finally he was able to flick off that pesky Booger-boy right into the face of bat-boy.

cruz-booger-575x496

ElfinMarco

Karlee-deVille is still recovering from her fall from the stage of politics into a vat of water where she will slowly dissolve away into obscurity.

cruella-de-vil

And on another note:

 

Ben Carson :: Flour Pharaoh

Ben Bacteria

I interviewed Dr. Ben Bacteria who said that the pyramids in Egypt were built by Joseph to store all of the grain, and the fissure oils for Pharaoh’s fistula, water, wine and vegetables grown in the region.  He even said that the Sphinx used to eliminate loaves of freshly baked brown bread–still warm! That is the mysterious room under the Sphinx–a bakery!

sphinx-rear copy

 

And occasionally a gentle soft yellow rain would flow from the rear of the Sphinx to cleanse the Pharaoh.  This has been sold for centuries as the ambrosia of los banos.

yellow-drink-bottle-120622

Today we refer to this ambrosia that the los banians drink  daily as Tom Cat spray!

 

BARAFRICA BRACES FOR HURRICANE PFFFFFFT!

October 24, 2015

HURRICANE PFFFT! APPROACHES

BREAKING NEWS…..FOR IMMEDIATELY RELEASE

by Ben Carson, Lead Field Investigative Reporter and baby bwrain surgeon

Strong winds have been reported through the Craqu+e Valley in the Buttc-heek Mountain Range upwards of 200 mph.

CraqueRocks

Cracqu+e is the scientific name for the element found in the valley.

It has been beneficial to the working people of the Ass-Stink tibe in the town as they ingest it and have been tearing the town apart by disassembling their vehicles, equipment, appliances, electrical transfer stations, waste treatment plants, subway systems, and this has caused a boom to the as tribe as it is costing billions of barafricos to rebuild.

Images I was able to capture before the Ass-Stinks torched my rented RV!

RVmotorhomefire_thumb

Chief of Police, Sandy R. Ectum who assured me the culprits would be caught!

drugs-woman-4_1833998i1

Here’s a picture of the Mayor or Governor, who can tell after years of use they all look the same to me!

An elected official?

An elected official?

 

More examples of the industriousness of the Ass-Stinks!

                            StrippedCar                                        JunkBrownSedan

PileOfTrashedOldTVs

JunkedRefrigerator           BADCOPPERSIGN

 

 

UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE!

LATEST IMAGES OF HURRICANE PFFFT!

saturn-hurricane-cassini

The blood red eye is now headed straight for the capitol of Barafrica where the Amabo resides.

CrazyIndian cartoonThe above illustration shows Chief Dog Breaking Wind making preparations for the Amabo!

More to follow…… B. Carson

 

Thanks Ben, Good Work!

Ian AL Simers, head honcho

And…we’re back!

October 21, 2015

by Ian AL Simers

We are all back together now that Jim Roon has been released from the Gabriel Nervous Clinic (GNC) in Lisbon.  He took to the healing waters very well and also lost 150 pounds (and 3 1/2 pounds of tapeworms) and got rid of his persistent foot fungus.  So Jim is back with us waiting until next month when he will have his prolapsed rectum repaired at the Mercy-mee Hospital.  Expect a full report entitled “From an Outie to an Innie” complete with pictures during and after surgery.  Way to go Jim!  Ben Carson and J. Olsen are still on the road in their rented RV scouring the vast lands of Barafrica for the latest information on the Muletoes and AssStink tribes.

More to come as the news flows in!

Ian AL Simers, head honcho 🙂

 

 

Hobo Junction No Longer Functions

May 21, 2015
homeless-5

We’ve all seen this!

 

For Immediate Release.

By Ben Carson, reporter on the road.

Finally a city has gotten it right in dealing with those freaks at intersections in any city in any state.  Posting a sign that clearly states where the down and out can call for help with needed ‘food’ and ‘lodging’ and also stating where ‘concerned citizens’ (i.e. bleeding heart idiots who give money to these street corner beggars) can donate money to the ’cause’.   I hope that ALL cities adopt this method!  By the way, the ordinance that this sign lists is an ordinance against criminal trespass.  PERFECT!

StreetSign

No Hobos No More! The Best Hobo Repellant!

 

 

SignUpClose

Absolutely BRILLIANT!

 

FB_IMG_1421039255096

2014 in review from WordPress

December 30, 2014

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2014 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

A San Francisco cable car holds 60 people. This blog was viewed about 780 times in 2014. If it were a cable car, it would take about 13 trips to carry that many people.

Click here to see the complete report.

Apple announces new 2014 products for the ultimate MacTard

September 9, 2014

 

by IanALSimers, head honcho 🙂

 

frustrated_w640

 

BREAKING NEWS!

After wasting over two hours of my life (which I want back Apple!) in tortuous anticipation through many, many video delays not to mention watching the ‘real’ internet-cast with Chinee transration ….

computer frustration

 

zachary_smith

Apple’s new CEO, Dr. Zachary Smith.

Apple’s CEO announced the new iWatch.

Our own cub reporter, J. Olsen, was able to retrieve this item on a recent tour of the campus and was able to remove it from the premises and avoid detection by security by secreting it in his anal orifice.  This watch IS the new consumer ready watch; NOT the watch that was presented today at the Cupertino Gathering. These watches are slated to be available sometime in 2015.

watch

Please forgive the poor resolution, his camera was hidden in the same orifice and it appears the lens has some matter on it. Wipe off the lens next time!

 

A New Larger Phone for the Rest Of Us

In response to it’s aging consumer base; Apple also announced a new larger iPhone, the iPhone 100+.  Note the easy keypad with patented “reach-around” access. Making and receiving calls have been streamlined to the utmost efficiency. These phones will be sold at full retail everywhere to increase flexibility and portability of providers.

firstcellphone1

Hello? Hello? Can you hear me now?

A New Method To Pay For Everything – iPay

danger-icloud

You never get a bill!  All transactions are taken care of by Apple in their iCloud! You can complete your transactions using the new iPhone or iWatch and let Steve take care of the rest.  It’s nice to know a billionaire!

 

iJar_SJobs

I knew it! You never died Steve!

steve-jobs-cheese-head

Oh, they remembered he’s a vegan. Bon Appétit, Steve!

 

Conclusion

Well that’s the highlights of the 2014 presentation.  Sure there were others who went on and on about gobbledy gook and talked about the magic of secure_space for all your iCloud transactions. Well, we know how secure the cloud is.  😉

My suggestion to Apple is to add another head to the cloud.

 

Controller_computer

The new Controller Computer complete with Spock brain.

 

SpockShockedEyebrow

WWWWWWHHHHHHHAAAAAAATTTTTT?

AFTER ALL, TWO HEADS ARE BETTER THAN ONE!

Stay enlightened my friends.

IanALSimers, head honcho 🙂

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

2013 in review

January 1, 2014

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2013 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

A San Francisco cable car holds 60 people. This blog was viewed about 1,200 times in 2013. If it were a cable car, it would take about 20 trips to carry that many people.

Click here to see the complete report.

Note to my readers:

My readership has gone down along with my mental status. God Damned Digital Airwaves and Fukushima Radiation. I personally don’t care anymore and I am spending most of my time in opium dens run by little Chineese women. My creative crack reporters are all on crack which makes keeping you all up to date very difficult. Especially since I am in an opium fog most of the time and have shit myself more than I’d like to admit. Maybe I’ll switch to crack and get motivated to write more about current events.  Oooh did you see that? Oh just another floater in my eye. Well, gotta go now, got another bloody nose.

Ian Al Simers, Head Honcho and constipated writer 😦

2013 Year In Review And 2014 Predictions

January 1, 2014
HA! I WAS RIGHT!

Jim Roon in trance in France.

By Jim Roon, soothsayer and head reporter

HA! I WAS RIGHT ON TARGET! And speaking of Target, in 2014 Gabe’s Cocks will go out of business due to a bank computer glitch that wiped out his account. The bankruptcy judge will be selling his cock on Saturday to the highest bidder at auction to satisfy the Honey Badgers as they attempt to collect their tribute from the once great company.

Freak doesn't even cover this behavior!

Freaky doesn’t even begin to describe this!

As I predicted, many movie starlets have been observed eating cat turds, one for example is Miley Syphilis who has taken her cat fancy to new disturbing levels at the direct command of the great AMABO. Her erratic behavior is further evidence of her addiction to the cat fecal matter.

iBleed money, do you?

iBleed money, do you?

In late 2013 Apple introduced the new emasculating top-of-their-line computer, the iTAMPON. This item will soon be discontinued because it ships with only the outside and not the actual tampon inside the tube.

Now for my 2014 PREDICTIONS.

Finally the Muleattoes are pushed over the limit and revolt against the AMABO. This causes Icky-PooPoo to rumble in terror. Watch for these signs:

falling-rock-safety-sign4-manFallingRockCartsunamisign

TsunamiCity

When these signs appear to you, you will know that the Galactic Federation is fed up with Chief Dog Breaking Wind’s antics and has begun bombarding the earth with alien garbage that appears to be rocks but that are really alien burnt up turds that will contaminate the earth with a virus that causes explosive uncontrollable diarrhea (runny shits) and severe dehydration.

Explosivediahrrea-toilet-edit

That's a 3 pounder if I've ever seen one!

That’s a 3 pounder if I’ve ever seen one!

PooPantsLongRun

Oooh, I can smell it from here!

Severe dehydration - the first step in Our New Food.

Severe dehydration – the first step in Our New Food.

One giant turd meant for Chief Dog Breaking Wind will land off the west coast of Barafrica causing a giant tsunami which will envelope the Herpés-Sore island where the Chief is spending the country’s inheritance on gay hookers and rare barbee dolls that remind him of his childhood.

trailer_trash-barbie

Do ya got a light honey? Buy me a beer, I’m drinkin’ fer two!

It's A Gay Anemone!

It’s A Gay Anemone!

Out of this chaos, will come another chief, Chief Oozing Toe Fungus from the AssStink Tribe. His trusted son, FleckAPoo who has been a medicine man for many years, will conduct a nation-wide cleansing which will result in massive shortages of baby-butt wipes. INVEST NOW! Buy as many packages as you can, they will be worth more than GOLD!

baby-wipes

Worth their weight in GOLD!!

UsedToiletRolls-edit

“Slightly Used”? Great!

Finally, Chief Oozing Toe Fungus will replace Chief Dog Breaking Wind and topple the Muleattoes rule over Barafrica. Cheezy Poofs and Grape Soda once again become plentiful as the Great Cleansing becomes complete. The AssStink Tribe begins to rebuild the Barafrican economy by building more casinos and encouraging tourism. All the bodies of the dead that have dehydrated from the diarrhea will be ground up and a new unlimited food source for the cheesy poofs industry will be created.

That is all I can see for now. Going into these altered states is very taxing. I will continue to submit my predictions as they manifest in my head.

Jim Roon, soothsayer and head reporter