By Jim Roon, sometime soothsayer
2017 is going to be a very interesting year. After smoking 3 rocks of crack taking after our beloved AMABO, here are my predictions for 2017. (Jimmy smoke crack and he don’t care–Ed.)
Your house is going to have to be hooked up to the electric grid, you could hope for an EMP plus that’s how they are going to kill 90% in this state. Load your trunk up with black-market merchandise. Who needs water to flush a toilet? We will run on compressed air, that really scares all the rats that live in the sewer. AMABO is going to move to kaliforkina and declare it an independent country which he will then rule over with Shelly, Mudflaps and Sheenequa, but not before establishing the crack corridor. The third rail will be touched and kill the high speed rail but not before the earthquake that will completely destroy Glass Valley and Shit-hole by the Bay will be flushed out. The underground tunnels will be destroyed and spill out all the reptilians and dulceneans.
The TrumPence will assume the new leadership of Barafrica. They will change Barafrica and free the repressed tribes. We will be going back to Mayberry the small town populated with many confirmed bachelors. Single males, they are animals. That’s why when I fill out the forms I put N/A. I don’t know what I am, so where do I go to the bathroom? In my pants! Unisex pants will become the latest fashion because of its ease of use by security guards in front of cheerleaders and security guards at other locations. There’s a built in camel-toe in these pants because we have become pussies. Later in the year, boots will become fashionable again as the ass-kicking starts, episode one ‘the beginnings’. There will be an economic boom and then a big bust. Stock market manipulations and contusions will lower taxes and increase jobs to repair the kingdom infrastructure. Planned parenthood will be discovered to have defaulted on the Sanger Eugenics foundation and will be ordered to kill more AssStink and Muletoe babies. Regulations will be changed to use pitchforks and shovels, babies will be considered tiny horse-fishes or what’s more commonly known as sea horses, shrimps, prawns–ooh seafood that’s good right about now. I’ve hankering for some Long John Silvers. I see lots of people in the Los-Banos-Sinkhole prison; they got an open house for the public Tuesdays and Saturdays.
You are at a certain time and certain place and your school told you how to think they were in compliant with the state otherwise they would be shut down. Like a cross-dresser, but cross-pollination education. These were public school assistance that went to a private school and they caused my asthma. Accomplishment is more so with your soul for why you are here and you die. Debbie Reynolds and Carrie Fisher are dead and I predict she will come back as a snake, she did drugs and got high all the time. Was she really a toweley type of person? Is it better to give everything away and live in poverty? Are the rest of us failures? What is accomplishment? It’s hard to push a prius through the asshole of a camel than get into heaven. We will all see the Time Continuum. I got in, he had to lie. I don’t know how this is going to turn out, a lot of f*****s have to go away. Are they going to have balls? I wouldn’t know as I Am Neutered so speak to my brother. Me and my monkey write Shakespearean sonnets. We are close to the Soylent Green era.
The internet is going to become a punch card that will be re-created through a 3-D printer. The blueprints are out there. We will be operating 50 years into the past. It’s 1967, the Summer of Love in SanFranDickhole where everything is roses and dandelions and the cock-docking is done daily. I get to watch my gut grow and get more bloated, but dammit he owes me a dinner as I won the bet. The compounds are easy to put together, I want the blue gold. Put it on your lips when you are down in the weeds, waiting for the ducks and snakes. Make sure you have the suit. It’s a weight loss program. I start working freelance, betting Sugar to show! It will be mandatory that every citizen is a Jim Morrison immigrant, open the Doors, open the Doors, Come On Baby Light My Fire, This Is the End Gloria, my LA Woman–she’s a red headed devil.
All through 2017, Prince will remain dead.
Finally, the government will announce to the public later this year that on December 26, 2016, we were hit with a galactic wave and yes, we are all dead now.
Feel better and don’t take things so seriously.
But I am dead inside.
Thanks Jim, once again you’ve pushed the envelope of your sanity to bring us some great predictions.
editor in chief and head honcho 🙂