Posts Tagged ‘honey badger’

2013 Year In Review And 2014 Predictions

January 1, 2014
HA! I WAS RIGHT!

Jim Roon in trance in France.

By Jim Roon, soothsayer and head reporter

HA! I WAS RIGHT ON TARGET! And speaking of Target, in 2014 Gabe’s Cocks will go out of business due to a bank computer glitch that wiped out his account. The bankruptcy judge will be selling his cock on Saturday to the highest bidder at auction to satisfy the Honey Badgers as they attempt to collect their tribute from the once great company.

Freak doesn't even cover this behavior!

Freaky doesn’t even begin to describe this!

As I predicted, many movie starlets have been observed eating cat turds, one for example is Miley Syphilis who has taken her cat fancy to new disturbing levels at the direct command of the great AMABO. Her erratic behavior is further evidence of her addiction to the cat fecal matter.

iBleed money, do you?

iBleed money, do you?

In late 2013 Apple introduced the new emasculating top-of-their-line computer, the iTAMPON. This item will soon be discontinued because it ships with only the outside and not the actual tampon inside the tube.

Now for my 2014 PREDICTIONS.

Finally the Muleattoes are pushed over the limit and revolt against the AMABO. This causes Icky-PooPoo to rumble in terror. Watch for these signs:

falling-rock-safety-sign4-manFallingRockCartsunamisign

TsunamiCity

When these signs appear to you, you will know that the Galactic Federation is fed up with Chief Dog Breaking Wind’s antics and has begun bombarding the earth with alien garbage that appears to be rocks but that are really alien burnt up turds that will contaminate the earth with a virus that causes explosive uncontrollable diarrhea (runny shits) and severe dehydration.

Explosivediahrrea-toilet-edit

That's a 3 pounder if I've ever seen one!

That’s a 3 pounder if I’ve ever seen one!

PooPantsLongRun

Oooh, I can smell it from here!

Severe dehydration - the first step in Our New Food.

Severe dehydration – the first step in Our New Food.

One giant turd meant for Chief Dog Breaking Wind will land off the west coast of Barafrica causing a giant tsunami which will envelope the Herp├ęs-Sore island where the Chief is spending the country’s inheritance on gay hookers and rare barbee dolls that remind him of his childhood.

trailer_trash-barbie

Do ya got a light honey? Buy me a beer, I’m drinkin’ fer two!

It's A Gay Anemone!

It’s A Gay Anemone!

Out of this chaos, will come another chief, Chief Oozing Toe Fungus from the AssStink Tribe. His trusted son, FleckAPoo who has been a medicine man for many years, will conduct a nation-wide cleansing which will result in massive shortages of baby-butt wipes. INVEST NOW! Buy as many packages as you can, they will be worth more than GOLD!

baby-wipes

Worth their weight in GOLD!!

UsedToiletRolls-edit

“Slightly Used”? Great!

Finally, Chief Oozing Toe Fungus will replace Chief Dog Breaking Wind and topple the Muleattoes rule over Barafrica. Cheezy Poofs and Grape Soda once again become plentiful as the Great Cleansing becomes complete. The AssStink Tribe begins to rebuild the Barafrican economy by building more casinos and encouraging tourism. All the bodies of the dead that have dehydrated from the diarrhea will be ground up and a new unlimited food source for the cheesy poofs industry will be created.

That is all I can see for now. Going into these altered states is very taxing. I will continue to submit my predictions as they manifest in my head.

Jim Roon, soothsayer and head reporter

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Breaking Wind News!

December 22, 2013
HoneyBadger1

THE NEW TRIBUTE COLLECTORS!

Today in the great agricultural zone known as The Giant Smear in the kingdom of Barafrica, The Great Wind appeared that spreads the badgers. Millions of honey badgers were flung throughout the surrounding countryside. There are reports of a great number of Barafrican peasants who have perished at the insatiable voracious appetite of the relentless honey badgers. Them honey badgers are BAD-ASS! Not a single one died in the Great Wind! The great ruler of the kingdom saw how effective these small animals were in being resistant to ANYTHING, because they are TOUGH AS SHIT!

honeybadger3

Where’s my money?

Our cub reporter, J. Olsen has a contact deep inside the anals of the great leader’s home. He reported back to us that AMABO is in the process of training almost 20,000 more of these honey badgers to collect his tribute from the peasants. They are trained to occasionally eat the peasant even after they pay the tribute. The uproar in the kingdom doesn’t matter to the honey badger, ’cause he’s BAD-ASS! He’ll eat your children while you watch and if you don’t pay up and run, he’ll eat you too! He’ll chase you down and squirt his stink on you!

The arrow points to the Perianal Resort.

The arrow points to the Perianal Resort.

As a result of this new program, the people have quit working and have gone into hiding, due to the decrease in tribute, the AMABO had to call Sheenequa and Mudflaps and his breeding partner Shelly, back from the Perianal Resort off the Hemorrhoid Coast of Barafrica where they fled from the trained honey badgers.

IanALSimers, head honcho and sufferer.