Posts Tagged ‘Chinese’

Apple announces new 2014 products for the ultimate MacTard

September 9, 2014

 

by IanALSimers, head honcho 🙂

 

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BREAKING NEWS!

After wasting over two hours of my life (which I want back Apple!) in tortuous anticipation through many, many video delays not to mention watching the ‘real’ internet-cast with Chinee transration ….

computer frustration

 

zachary_smith

Apple’s new CEO, Dr. Zachary Smith.

Apple’s CEO announced the new iWatch.

Our own cub reporter, J. Olsen, was able to retrieve this item on a recent tour of the campus and was able to remove it from the premises and avoid detection by security by secreting it in his anal orifice.  This watch IS the new consumer ready watch; NOT the watch that was presented today at the Cupertino Gathering. These watches are slated to be available sometime in 2015.

watch

Please forgive the poor resolution, his camera was hidden in the same orifice and it appears the lens has some matter on it. Wipe off the lens next time!

 

A New Larger Phone for the Rest Of Us

In response to it’s aging consumer base; Apple also announced a new larger iPhone, the iPhone 100+.  Note the easy keypad with patented “reach-around” access. Making and receiving calls have been streamlined to the utmost efficiency. These phones will be sold at full retail everywhere to increase flexibility and portability of providers.

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Hello? Hello? Can you hear me now?

A New Method To Pay For Everything – iPay

danger-icloud

You never get a bill!  All transactions are taken care of by Apple in their iCloud! You can complete your transactions using the new iPhone or iWatch and let Steve take care of the rest.  It’s nice to know a billionaire!

 

iJar_SJobs

I knew it! You never died Steve!

steve-jobs-cheese-head

Oh, they remembered he’s a vegan. Bon Appétit, Steve!

 

Conclusion

Well that’s the highlights of the 2014 presentation.  Sure there were others who went on and on about gobbledy gook and talked about the magic of secure_space for all your iCloud transactions. Well, we know how secure the cloud is.  😉

My suggestion to Apple is to add another head to the cloud.

 

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The new Controller Computer complete with Spock brain.

 

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WWWWWWHHHHHHHAAAAAAATTTTTT?

AFTER ALL, TWO HEADS ARE BETTER THAN ONE!

Stay enlightened my friends.

IanALSimers, head honcho 🙂

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

WOMAN BEATEN TO DEATH BY WAL-MART EMPLOYEES AFTER BUYING AMERICAN MADE MICHAEL JACKSON’S THRILLER DVD POLICE REFUSE TO RESPOND

September 8, 2009
MJThriller

Which one of you ate my brain?

By Mouseé Tongue, cub-reporter, China Bureau, World Daily Planet News

http://www.google.com/hostednews/afp/article/ALeqM5jUcqst3ZW9cVVaQV7XKG3y8SYSIg

In an unprecedented event, a woman who purchased the Thriller DVD of the late Michael Jackson was beaten to death and then eaten outside of a Wal-Mart by store employees. She tried to  phone for help, but her calls to police were ignored. The employees all received big bonuses for their patriotic work and support of the Chinese Communist Party Free Trade Policy plus one year’s supply of blood sausage and a voucher for a free kidney.

Wash Her Down With Johnny Walker Black!

Wash Her Down With Johnny Walker Black!

This comes on the heels of China announcing it’s foreclosure on the United States of America on September 20, 2009, when the Chinese Communist Flag will be raised at the AMABO white house. China’s new trade policy is: purchasing anything made in the USA is punishable by immediate death by any means available. However, after September 20, anything currently made in North America will be labeled Made In China. Also the United States of America will be hereby known as the United Slaves of China. Everyone get your Little Red Book! This is all according to the prophesy of Chinese Astrology.


CHINA TO RECEIVE OWNERSHIP OF USA AT FLAG CEREMONY SEPT 20 AT WHITE HOUSE

September 4, 2009
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TRANSLATION: FORECLOSURE NOTICE!

THOSE SNEAKY CHINEEZE!

THOSE SNEAKY CHINEEZE!

NO NEED TO RSVP! THE AMABO WILL SPEAK FOR ALL!

http://www.chinadaily.com.cn/china/2009-07/13/content_8422505.htm

China’s national flag to go up in White House on Sept 20
By Hou Lei (chinadaily.com.cn)
Updated: 2009-07-13 16:45

china-flagThe national flag of the People’s Republic of China (PRC) will be hoisted at the South Lawn of the White House in Washington on September 20, media reported Sunday.

Chinese associations in the United States had applied to hold a ceremony in front of the US President’s residence to celebrate the 60th anniversary of the founding of PRC.

panda_gunChen Ronghua, chairman of Fujian Association of the United States, told reporters that their application was approved not only because of the sound Sino-US relations but also because China is a responsible country.

“Many Americans admire China due to the success of last year’s Beijing Olympics,” said Chen.

More than 1,000 people will attend the ceremony and the performances held after it, according to Zhao Luqun, who will direct the performances.panda_pistolpackin

Zhao said the performances will demonstrate the friendship, magnanimous spirit and kindness of modern Chinese people.

AND NOW FOR SOMETHING ON A LIGHTER NOTE:

PANDA JOKE OF THE DAY

PANDA JOKE OF THE DAY

A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead.

As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, “Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn’t pay for the food!”


The panda yells back, “Hey, man, I’m a panda. Look it up!”


The bartender opens his dictionary to panda: “A tree-climbing mammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring.

Eats shoots and leaves.”

HAVE A HAPPY SUPERLUCKY DAY!

superluckycatlrge