Posts Tagged ‘sapphire lens’

Apple announces new 2014 products for the ultimate MacTard

September 9, 2014

 

by IanALSimers, head honcho 🙂

 

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BREAKING NEWS!

After wasting over two hours of my life (which I want back Apple!) in tortuous anticipation through many, many video delays not to mention watching the ‘real’ internet-cast with Chinee transration ….

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Apple’s new CEO, Dr. Zachary Smith.

Apple’s CEO announced the new iWatch.

Our own cub reporter, J. Olsen, was able to retrieve this item on a recent tour of the campus and was able to remove it from the premises and avoid detection by security by secreting it in his anal orifice.  This watch IS the new consumer ready watch; NOT the watch that was presented today at the Cupertino Gathering. These watches are slated to be available sometime in 2015.

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Please forgive the poor resolution, his camera was hidden in the same orifice and it appears the lens has some matter on it. Wipe off the lens next time!

 

A New Larger Phone for the Rest Of Us

In response to it’s aging consumer base; Apple also announced a new larger iPhone, the iPhone 100+.  Note the easy keypad with patented “reach-around” access. Making and receiving calls have been streamlined to the utmost efficiency. These phones will be sold at full retail everywhere to increase flexibility and portability of providers.

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Hello? Hello? Can you hear me now?

A New Method To Pay For Everything – iPay

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You never get a bill!  All transactions are taken care of by Apple in their iCloud! You can complete your transactions using the new iPhone or iWatch and let Steve take care of the rest.  It’s nice to know a billionaire!

 

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I knew it! You never died Steve!

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Oh, they remembered he’s a vegan. Bon Appétit, Steve!

 

Conclusion

Well that’s the highlights of the 2014 presentation.  Sure there were others who went on and on about gobbledy gook and talked about the magic of secure_space for all your iCloud transactions. Well, we know how secure the cloud is.  😉

My suggestion to Apple is to add another head to the cloud.

 

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The new Controller Computer complete with Spock brain.

 

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WWWWWWHHHHHHHAAAAAAATTTTTT?

AFTER ALL, TWO HEADS ARE BETTER THAN ONE!

Stay enlightened my friends.

IanALSimers, head honcho 🙂

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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