Posts Tagged ‘testicles’

2017 Predictions

December 31, 2016

mad-as-hell

By Jim Roon, sometime soothsayer

2017 is going to be a very interesting year.  After smoking 3 rocks of crack taking after our beloved AMABO, here are my predictions for 2017. (Jimmy smoke crack and he don’t care–Ed.)

Your house is going to have to be hooked up to the electric grid, you could hope for an EMP plus that’s how they are going to kill 90% in this state.  Load your trunk up with black-market merchandise.  Who needs water to flush a toilet? We will run on compressed air, that really scares all the rats that live in the sewer.  AMABO is going to move to kaliforkina and declare it an independent country which he will then rule over with Shelly, Mudflaps and Sheenequa, but not before establishing the crack corridor.  The third rail will be touched and kill the high speed rail but not before the earthquake that will completely destroy Glass Valley and Shit-hole by the Bay will be flushed out. The underground tunnels will be destroyed and spill out all the reptilians and dulceneans.

The TrumPence will assume the new leadership of Barafrica. They will change Barafrica and free the repressed tribes. We will be going back to Mayberry the small town populated with many confirmed bachelors.  Single males, they are animals.  That’s why when I fill out the forms I put N/A.  I don’t know what I am, so where do I go to the bathroom? In my pants! Unisex pants will become the latest fashion because of its ease of use by security guards in front of cheerleaders and security guards at other locations.  There’s a built in camel-toe in these pants because we have become pussies.  Later in the year, boots will become fashionable again as the ass-kicking starts, episode one ‘the beginnings’.  There will be an economic boom and then a big bust. Stock market manipulations and contusions will lower taxes and increase jobs to repair the kingdom infrastructure. Planned parenthood will be discovered to have defaulted on the Sanger Eugenics foundation and will be ordered to kill more AssStink and Muletoe babies. Regulations will be changed to use pitchforks and shovels, babies will be considered tiny horse-fishes or what’s more commonly known as sea horses, shrimps, prawns–ooh seafood that’s good right about now.  I’ve hankering for some Long John Silvers.   I see lots of people in the Los-Banos-Sinkhole prison; they got an open house for the public Tuesdays and Saturdays.

You are at a certain time and certain place and your school told you how to think they were in compliant with the state otherwise they would be shut down.  Like a cross-dresser, but cross-pollination education. These were public school assistance that went to a private school and they caused my asthma.  Accomplishment is more so with your soul for why you are here and you die. Debbie Reynolds and Carrie Fisher are dead and I predict she will come back as a snake, she did drugs and got high all the time. Was she really a toweley type of person? Is it better to give everything away and live in poverty? Are the rest of us failures? What is accomplishment? It’s hard to push a prius through the asshole of a camel than get into heaven.  We will all see the Time Continuum.  I got in, he had to lie.  I don’t know how this is going to turn out, a lot of f*****s have to go away.  Are they going to have balls? I wouldn’t know as I Am Neutered so speak to my brother.  Me and my monkey write Shakespearean sonnets.  We are close to the Soylent Green era.

The internet is going to become a punch card that will be re-created through a 3-D printer. The blueprints are out there.  We will be operating 50 years into the past.  It’s 1967, the Summer of Love in SanFranDickhole where everything is roses and dandelions and the cock-docking is done daily.  I get to watch my gut grow and get more bloated, but dammit he owes me a dinner as I won the bet.  The compounds are easy to put together, I want the blue gold. Put it on your lips when you are down in the weeds, waiting for the ducks and snakes. Make sure you have the suit. It’s a weight loss program.  I start working freelance, betting Sugar to show!  It will be mandatory that every citizen is a Jim Morrison immigrant, open the Doors, open the Doors, Come On Baby Light My Fire, This Is the End Gloria, my LA Woman–she’s a red headed devil.

All through 2017, Prince will remain dead.

Finally, the government will announce to the public later this year that on December 26, 2016, we were hit with a galactic wave and yes, we are all dead now.

Feel better and don’t take things so seriously.
But I am dead inside.

 

Thanks Jim, once again you’ve pushed the envelope of your sanity to bring us some great predictions.

IanALSimers
editor in chief and head honcho  🙂

 

BARAFRICA BRACES FOR HURRICANE PFFFFFFT!

October 24, 2015

HURRICANE PFFFT! APPROACHES

BREAKING NEWS…..FOR IMMEDIATELY RELEASE

by Ben Carson, Lead Field Investigative Reporter and baby bwrain surgeon

Strong winds have been reported through the Craqu+e Valley in the Buttc-heek Mountain Range upwards of 200 mph.

CraqueRocks

Cracqu+e is the scientific name for the element found in the valley.

It has been beneficial to the working people of the Ass-Stink tibe in the town as they ingest it and have been tearing the town apart by disassembling their vehicles, equipment, appliances, electrical transfer stations, waste treatment plants, subway systems, and this has caused a boom to the as tribe as it is costing billions of barafricos to rebuild.

Images I was able to capture before the Ass-Stinks torched my rented RV!

RVmotorhomefire_thumb

Chief of Police, Sandy R. Ectum who assured me the culprits would be caught!

drugs-woman-4_1833998i1

Here’s a picture of the Mayor or Governor, who can tell after years of use they all look the same to me!

An elected official?

An elected official?

 

More examples of the industriousness of the Ass-Stinks!

                            StrippedCar                                        JunkBrownSedan

PileOfTrashedOldTVs

JunkedRefrigerator           BADCOPPERSIGN

 

 

UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE!

LATEST IMAGES OF HURRICANE PFFFT!

saturn-hurricane-cassini

The blood red eye is now headed straight for the capitol of Barafrica where the Amabo resides.

CrazyIndian cartoonThe above illustration shows Chief Dog Breaking Wind making preparations for the Amabo!

More to follow…… B. Carson

 

Thanks Ben, Good Work!

Ian AL Simers, head honcho

NEW HOME REMEDIES FOR BEDBUGS

August 28, 2010

Helloooooooooooooooo!

Reported in the “Barafrican Journal”  by Jim Roon aka Randy

With the recent outbreak across the globe of the feared “amabo bedbug” we spoke to Chief Breaking Wind for guidance:  “With  the urgency of this matter, I have had a vision, everyone must trap one of the feces covered gerbils and place 6 to seven in their homes.
Once you have the international harvesters in place, the next step is most urgent. Find someone with scabies and infect yourself, then smear the amabo-snot all over yourself.  Amabo-snot may be found oozing from the the side of the Ickypoopoo volcano”.  He continued,  “During this next week you must eat 66 bulls balls from Williams AZ, also known as the toilet of the USA”.  He went on, “When you defecate, place the turds in the sealed boxes and forward them to the satan box 666 in Williams Arizona so that the festering, goat-humping saller donutman can eat them”.

Let’s all play “Where’s Sayleer?”!

While this seems odd to me, the Chief has always given sound advice.  This will work to exterminate bedbugs.

Editor’s note: Thanks Jim for another great submission.  I spoke with an extermination expert who recommended ‘Bedlam’. Just ask for it by name at your local home improvement center. Be sure to follow the package directions carefully.–Ian AL Simers, head honcho 🙂

 

Stand Back! I am a Professional!

 

Bedlam! It’s what’s waiting for them!

 

ANZEL ADDAMS . . . G*E*N*U*I*S?

July 25, 2010

Photo entitled 'Hangover Oak on a dewy morn'

by Salvacion Maria Dolly; pictures courtesy Melinda Ryan

I couldn’t be more sick and tired of all the to-do over this Anzel Addams.   History has been way too kind to this guy.   It’s time the whole sobering story was told.   Forget everything you ever have read about him.   Read these words now and you can believe them later.

Addams was a hopeless bum and drunkard.   Only someone with no responsibilities at all would have the time to sit in the forest and take pictures.   All you hear is that he was a genius with light and texture.   If you haven’t noticed, the forest is a beautiful place!   It doesn’t matter what time of day, you’ll get a great photo.

Now, this Addams fella was what we would nowadays call an indigent homeless, scum-sucking, fudge-packing, dirtbag .   He would hang around in state parks and rummage though the dumpsters and chemical toilets for discarded table scraps, partially digested food found near public restrooms and vomitoriums and soiled Depends, not unlike Yogi bear.  These things might be bear-proof but they aren’t Anzel proof! All the campers thought that a bear got into the cooler or picnic basket, when in reality it was Anzel. He even left some scat to cover his thefts. Oh, and of course any and all liquor/beer would be taken.

He had no problem with sleeping arrangements since he could get all the camping equipment he needed the same way he got the food.

Exclusive: Addams taking a 'nap'!

So all he did was hang out and take pictures.

Now here is the most revealing fact about him.   How he decided when it was the perfect time to take the picture.   You won’t believe this.   The bum was a hopeless drunk.   He would take a bottle of whatever hooch he heisted and head off to a hilltop or meadow.   He’d guzzle that hooch until he passed out.   The first thing he did when he came-to was to grab his bulb release and squeeze.

That’s it!!!

That’s how he decided when to take the perfect photo.

The one with the perfect light.

The one with the perfect composition.

The one with the perfect texture.

It was his private secret and he got the biggest kick out of how flatlanders thought he had some gift or something.

Well there it is.

Time to rewrite the history books.

Heck, if I had that much time I could do the same thing.

Sorry to burst the bubble but that’s the way I see it.

Family and friends made many many attempts to get Addams into rehab. None of them were successful.

Addams at his first rehab clinic.

His alcoholism and poor hygiene took it’s toll on him in the end.


One of his last self-portrait shots

Alcoholism is a very bad thing. Poor Anzel suffered greatly from being chewed on by the forest critters while he was passed out. WARNING GRAPHIC!!!!!

He suffered greatly for his 'art'

I personally have two photos in my collection of him. The first one was taken the morning after his gallery opening. He would often take the money he got for his ‘art’ and spend it on a night of bar-hopping in the homo district. He would always wake up in an alley with a headache and a bleeding rectum.

Another successful gallery opening!

This second picture is of my 5th cousin 3rd removed and Addams after about 60 shots. Addams won that competition. He isn’t looking at the camera because by that age  he was already legally blind from a lifetime of drinking cheap hooch!

Ah, good times, good times.


CONFIDENTIAL INFORMANTS COME FORWARD!

February 9, 2010

Reporter Randy Earl
For immediate release
(Barafrican bureau)

On February 11, 2010 the president of IRAN Armygeeniedad, will disclose and distribute videos of the missile hitting the pentagon, he also has several recordings of Blair and Bush discussing the event 5 days prior to 911.

This includes pictures of the interior of the EMPTY jets hitting the twin towers.

This is expected to kick off the second half of the civil war.

updates to follow

OH MY!
Ian AL Simers
I’ve pooped myself!
😉

This Just In: MORE JIM ROON PREDICTIONS!

January 27, 2010

By Jim Roon AKA Randy

1-27-10

For immediate release.

I have been inundated with calls if this quake is the one http://www.infp.ro/ro/ .  Yes that is a large quake today in China (8.6), but the 9.6 is still coming.  I will be doing a channel today with all the plugins and expect to release the evacuation reports this weekend.  It is a good time to go skiing in the maountains with extra supplies.

So Long Stoopid Amerlikens!

Whee! My randing is cushioned by all bodies of dead Amelicans!

Energy release imminent.   Full rights given to distribute this release.

****************************************

Thanks Jim. I am already 5 steps ahead of you.
–Ian Al Simers, head honcho
🙂

W.T.S.H.T.F. – Breaking news for immediate release

January 25, 2010

BE SURE TO WEAR A VINYL PONCHO!

When The Shit Hits The Fan!

By reporter Jim Roon aka Randy

10am Barafrican time;

Magnitude 9.6 earthquake!


The normally docile residents of Roontown in southern Barafrica are getting antsy.   Animals are fleeing to the safety of the nearby cruise ships.  The rumblings are low frequency S waves emanating a methane smell that is choking the air.  Several gerbils have been seen coated in feces, running towards the great Amabo statue located beneath the Ickypoopoo volcano.
 

The IckyPooPoo Volcano

The Great Statue of AMABO

 


Several land masses have become visible rising from the ocean floor, which will create an odd shape similar to a set of truck nuts. We reached Chief Breaking wind for comment.  He said “all is in our prophecy, soon the flying monkeys will be dropping feces upon all the barracks”, he went on to warn of the coming fistula to appear in the sky as a sign to take cover in the cotton fields.

All are warned to prepare with the government supplied Depends, grape soda, cheezy poofs and Bactine; and to prepare for the opening of the gate at Uranus.

More to follow with this breaking story.
Read the previous Barafrica stories:
https://iamneutered.wordpress.com/2009/12/31/obama-works-his-voodoo-sends-limbaugh-to-the-hospital/
https://iamneutered.wordpress.com/2009/08/16/chaos-erupts-in-courtroom/
https://iamneutered.wordpress.com/2009/06/17/natives-sound-off-in-court/
https://iamneutered.wordpress.com/2009/05/21/amabo-controversy-ended/
*****UPDATE*****
Chief breaking wind has just released the tale of the torn fistula. “After the vision of the truck nuts I was told that the fistula will tear in the sky and bathe the land in a red rain” .   Shortly thereafter, an odd red rain began to fall and government officials recommended placing the government issued Depends over your head.   This prompted the locals to rebel against the government calling and chanting “shit heads”.  

more to follow….
Good work Jim Roon! I won’t be answering the phone anymore though.
–Ian Al Simers, truly depressed

OBAMA WORKS HIS VOODOO SENDS LIMBAUGH TO THE HOSPITAL

December 31, 2009

Oh my aching head and shoulders!

By Reporter666

Honolulu, HI. Rush Limbaugh was rushed to the emergency room at HanaLiki-liki Memorial Hospital yesterday complaining of severe chest pain. Coincidentally, the AMABO and his spawn were in Honolulu on vacation from destroying the world. They were spotted on the beach and the AMABO was holding a straw doll that had a huge pin sticking out of it’s chest. Then he threw the doll into the surf, laughed hysterically and screamed “Beck, you’re next.”

Rush’s condition is still unknown at this time. Doctors can find no physical reason for his excruciating stabbing chest pain. Good thing for Rush that the AMABO’s health care package has not been implemented or he would be dead.

Since the AMABO like dolls, hey America, let’s send the AMABO some belated Xmas gifts: Kachina dolls! Buy them here. It is a known fact that Kachinas can hold evil spirits/disease and will pass it on to whomever possesses the doll.

This reporter won’t even include a picture of a doll for fear of cursing you readers. If you are brave enough you can click the above links and read all about it.

BRING IN 2010 WITH LOADS OF LAUGHS

December 29, 2009

By Ian Al Simers, Head Honcho

Hi all, and look what I have found on You Tube! These videos are sure to make you laugh til you burst your guts wide open and they are all FOR REAL! The person featured in the video is truly special.

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!

December 18, 2009

By Ian Al Simers, head honcho

That’s right. That’s right. I said it and I say it! Merry Christmas everybody!

It has been one heck of a roller coaster year for our beleaguered country. 2009 is ending and 2010 is just around the corner. What will this new year hold in store for us? Will the tribes people of Barafrica ever be freed from the crushing rule of the AMABO? Will his offspring, Sheneequa and Mudflaps, rain terror upon the world? Will anyone buy Gabe’s cock? Will the drunkard animal lover in Williams find a new friend in reporter J. Rooney?

Answers to these and many more questions will have to wait as father time ticks down the hours and minutes to the final stroke of midnight and the new year will begin.

I think this photograph pretty well sums up my sentiments for this past year of 2009. Perhaps you feel the same.

SO LONG 2009!

HUGO CHAVEZ ADMITS OBAMA IS SATAN

December 18, 2009

IT STILL SMELLS OF SULFUR! HAIL SATAN!

UNITED NATIONS –Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez addressed the U.N. after Obama stepped down and said, “It still smells like sulfur.” There was an audible gasp from the collected diplomats in the assembly as Hugo Chavez rushed off the podium to be with his Satanic brother. Will the evil ever stop?

Wake up People!

ARE YOU GETTING THE MESSAGE AMERICA?

ARE YOU GETTING THE MESSAGE AMERICA?

PRESIDENT OBAMA ADMITS HE IS A LIAR TO AMERICAN PEOPLE

September 15, 2009

By Reporter666

WASHINGTON, D.C.  In his nationally televised speech on Wednesday, September 9, 2009 (9-9-09; I think I see a relation to … 666! and how appropriate for AMABO to make a speech on such an EVIL day)  to the joint houses of the Senate and Representatives, the president openly admitted to telling a lie. He had just stated that illegal immigrants would not be eligible for his health care program and then his next statement was, “That is a lie” and then he coolly and calmly finished his speech.  Reactions of congress ranged from shocked disbelief to absolute agreement.


912-TeaParty-DC-09

The citizens, however,  were not surprised and were awakened from the spell that the AMABO had cast upon them. They organized themselves and marched on the capitol on September 12, 2009 to let their voices be heard.


Unfortunately, the AMABO was conveniently out of town that day addressing a coven in Minneapolis.

RedHoodMonkred_hood


Meanwhile, in the parking lot, a lot of vehicles sporting AMABO bumper stickers were found to have spawned a new one:


You_Lie

WOMAN BEATEN TO DEATH BY WAL-MART EMPLOYEES AFTER BUYING AMERICAN MADE MICHAEL JACKSON’S THRILLER DVD POLICE REFUSE TO RESPOND

September 8, 2009
MJThriller

Which one of you ate my brain?

By Mouseé Tongue, cub-reporter, China Bureau, World Daily Planet News

http://www.google.com/hostednews/afp/article/ALeqM5jUcqst3ZW9cVVaQV7XKG3y8SYSIg

In an unprecedented event, a woman who purchased the Thriller DVD of the late Michael Jackson was beaten to death and then eaten outside of a Wal-Mart by store employees. She tried to  phone for help, but her calls to police were ignored. The employees all received big bonuses for their patriotic work and support of the Chinese Communist Party Free Trade Policy plus one year’s supply of blood sausage and a voucher for a free kidney.

Wash Her Down With Johnny Walker Black!

Wash Her Down With Johnny Walker Black!

This comes on the heels of China announcing it’s foreclosure on the United States of America on September 20, 2009, when the Chinese Communist Flag will be raised at the AMABO white house. China’s new trade policy is: purchasing anything made in the USA is punishable by immediate death by any means available. However, after September 20, anything currently made in North America will be labeled Made In China. Also the United States of America will be hereby known as the United Slaves of China. Everyone get your Little Red Book! This is all according to the prophesy of Chinese Astrology.


A TALE OF TWO TIMMY’S

August 29, 2009

By reporter666

TACOS, NM. In a secret underground bunker, the two Timmy’s finally met. I have exclusive access to the yet-to-be broadcast dialog/exchange between Timothy Geitner and Timmy (that’s pronounced T-I-M-M-A-E) from South Park.  Here is an excerpt:

TIMMAE!

TIMMAE!

Huh?

Huh?

TIMMAE?

TIMMAE?

Yes.

Yes.

WHERE WAS GLENN BECK NOW REVEALED

August 24, 2009
The ISLE of GILLIGAN

The ISLE of GILLIGAN

By G. Santos, reporter, World Daily Planet News, Metropolis

My sources have revealed that popular talk show host, Glenn Beck, was held in a re-edumacation camp for the past two weeks on the remote Isle of Gilligan at the southwest tip of Barafrica until his rescue.

Mr. Beck was forced to work during the day in the fields growing high cholesterol foods and was nightly tortured by Smith Sheparhd by being forced to eat Sheparhd’s fungus infected toenail clippings. Beck’s captors did not use water boarding, but instead used water ballooning–where the victim runs back and forth in a confined space while being pummeled with water balloons that not only soaks the victim’s $1,000 outfit but also totally ruins the ‘do.

Beck’s rescue was funded and supplied by the great folks at Clorox, CVS, Wal-Mart, and Sprint to name just a few. Additional funding for Mr. Beck’s rescue came from the Stimulus Bailout Package and the Reinvestment Act of 2009.

The Rescue Boat

The Rescue Boat

His rescue team was made up from the best America has to offer: Thomas Jefferson, Thomas Payne, Patrick Henry, Benjamin Franklin, Ronald Reagan and Sarah Palin on shotgun. In addition there was Jane Russell (the movie star), Howard Hughes (the millionaire), Joseph Hazelwood (the Exxon Valdez skipper), and Judas (because there is always at least one).

Glenn's fellow political prisioners

Glenn's fellow political prisioners

See...I told you! There is ALWAYS at least one JUDAS!

See...I told you! There is ALWAYS at least one JUDAS!

Since his harrowing experience on the island and his daring rescue, Mr. Beck has been reunited with his family and has returned to his syndicated radio show and his television show on FOX News and is none the worse for wear. In fact, when questioned by this reporter about the incident, Mr. Beck denied it ever happened. I, Geraldo Santos, understand that anyone would block out such a horrific memory and want to move on. You go, Glenn!