Posts Tagged ‘your nuts’

Hobo Junction No Longer Functions

May 21, 2015
homeless-5

We’ve all seen this!

 

For Immediate Release.

By Ben Carson, reporter on the road.

Finally a city has gotten it right in dealing with those freaks at intersections in any city in any state.  Posting a sign that clearly states where the down and out can call for help with needed ‘food’ and ‘lodging’ and also stating where ‘concerned citizens’ (i.e. bleeding heart idiots who give money to these street corner beggars) can donate money to the ’cause’.   I hope that ALL cities adopt this method!  By the way, the ordinance that this sign lists is an ordinance against criminal trespass.  PERFECT!

StreetSign

No Hobos No More! The Best Hobo Repellant!

 

 

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Absolutely BRILLIANT!

 

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NEW HOME REMEDIES FOR BEDBUGS

August 28, 2010

Helloooooooooooooooo!

Reported in the “Barafrican Journal”  by Jim Roon aka Randy

With the recent outbreak across the globe of the feared “amabo bedbug” we spoke to Chief Breaking Wind for guidance:  “With  the urgency of this matter, I have had a vision, everyone must trap one of the feces covered gerbils and place 6 to seven in their homes.
Once you have the international harvesters in place, the next step is most urgent. Find someone with scabies and infect yourself, then smear the amabo-snot all over yourself.  Amabo-snot may be found oozing from the the side of the Ickypoopoo volcano”.  He continued,  “During this next week you must eat 66 bulls balls from Williams AZ, also known as the toilet of the USA”.  He went on, “When you defecate, place the turds in the sealed boxes and forward them to the satan box 666 in Williams Arizona so that the festering, goat-humping saller donutman can eat them”.

Let’s all play “Where’s Sayleer?”!

While this seems odd to me, the Chief has always given sound advice.  This will work to exterminate bedbugs.

Editor’s note: Thanks Jim for another great submission.  I spoke with an extermination expert who recommended ‘Bedlam’. Just ask for it by name at your local home improvement center. Be sure to follow the package directions carefully.–Ian AL Simers, head honcho 🙂

 

Stand Back! I am a Professional!

 

Bedlam! It’s what’s waiting for them!

 

ANZEL ADDAMS . . . G*E*N*U*I*S?

July 25, 2010

Photo entitled 'Hangover Oak on a dewy morn'

by Salvacion Maria Dolly; pictures courtesy Melinda Ryan

I couldn’t be more sick and tired of all the to-do over this Anzel Addams.   History has been way too kind to this guy.   It’s time the whole sobering story was told.   Forget everything you ever have read about him.   Read these words now and you can believe them later.

Addams was a hopeless bum and drunkard.   Only someone with no responsibilities at all would have the time to sit in the forest and take pictures.   All you hear is that he was a genius with light and texture.   If you haven’t noticed, the forest is a beautiful place!   It doesn’t matter what time of day, you’ll get a great photo.

Now, this Addams fella was what we would nowadays call an indigent homeless, scum-sucking, fudge-packing, dirtbag .   He would hang around in state parks and rummage though the dumpsters and chemical toilets for discarded table scraps, partially digested food found near public restrooms and vomitoriums and soiled Depends, not unlike Yogi bear.  These things might be bear-proof but they aren’t Anzel proof! All the campers thought that a bear got into the cooler or picnic basket, when in reality it was Anzel. He even left some scat to cover his thefts. Oh, and of course any and all liquor/beer would be taken.

He had no problem with sleeping arrangements since he could get all the camping equipment he needed the same way he got the food.

Exclusive: Addams taking a 'nap'!

So all he did was hang out and take pictures.

Now here is the most revealing fact about him.   How he decided when it was the perfect time to take the picture.   You won’t believe this.   The bum was a hopeless drunk.   He would take a bottle of whatever hooch he heisted and head off to a hilltop or meadow.   He’d guzzle that hooch until he passed out.   The first thing he did when he came-to was to grab his bulb release and squeeze.

That’s it!!!

That’s how he decided when to take the perfect photo.

The one with the perfect light.

The one with the perfect composition.

The one with the perfect texture.

It was his private secret and he got the biggest kick out of how flatlanders thought he had some gift or something.

Well there it is.

Time to rewrite the history books.

Heck, if I had that much time I could do the same thing.

Sorry to burst the bubble but that’s the way I see it.

Family and friends made many many attempts to get Addams into rehab. None of them were successful.

Addams at his first rehab clinic.

His alcoholism and poor hygiene took it’s toll on him in the end.


One of his last self-portrait shots

Alcoholism is a very bad thing. Poor Anzel suffered greatly from being chewed on by the forest critters while he was passed out. WARNING GRAPHIC!!!!!

He suffered greatly for his 'art'

I personally have two photos in my collection of him. The first one was taken the morning after his gallery opening. He would often take the money he got for his ‘art’ and spend it on a night of bar-hopping in the homo district. He would always wake up in an alley with a headache and a bleeding rectum.

Another successful gallery opening!

This second picture is of my 5th cousin 3rd removed and Addams after about 60 shots. Addams won that competition. He isn’t looking at the camera because by that age  he was already legally blind from a lifetime of drinking cheap hooch!

Ah, good times, good times.


CONFIDENTIAL INFORMANTS COME FORWARD!

February 9, 2010

Reporter Randy Earl
For immediate release
(Barafrican bureau)

On February 11, 2010 the president of IRAN Armygeeniedad, will disclose and distribute videos of the missile hitting the pentagon, he also has several recordings of Blair and Bush discussing the event 5 days prior to 911.

This includes pictures of the interior of the EMPTY jets hitting the twin towers.

This is expected to kick off the second half of the civil war.

updates to follow

OH MY!
Ian AL Simers
I’ve pooped myself!
😉

This Just In: MORE JIM ROON PREDICTIONS!

January 27, 2010

By Jim Roon AKA Randy

1-27-10

For immediate release.

I have been inundated with calls if this quake is the one http://www.infp.ro/ro/ .  Yes that is a large quake today in China (8.6), but the 9.6 is still coming.  I will be doing a channel today with all the plugins and expect to release the evacuation reports this weekend.  It is a good time to go skiing in the maountains with extra supplies.

So Long Stoopid Amerlikens!

Whee! My randing is cushioned by all bodies of dead Amelicans!

Energy release imminent.   Full rights given to distribute this release.

****************************************

Thanks Jim. I am already 5 steps ahead of you.
–Ian Al Simers, head honcho
🙂

W.T.S.H.T.F. – Breaking news for immediate release

January 25, 2010

BE SURE TO WEAR A VINYL PONCHO!

When The Shit Hits The Fan!

By reporter Jim Roon aka Randy

10am Barafrican time;

Magnitude 9.6 earthquake!


The normally docile residents of Roontown in southern Barafrica are getting antsy.   Animals are fleeing to the safety of the nearby cruise ships.  The rumblings are low frequency S waves emanating a methane smell that is choking the air.  Several gerbils have been seen coated in feces, running towards the great Amabo statue located beneath the Ickypoopoo volcano.
 

The IckyPooPoo Volcano

The Great Statue of AMABO

 


Several land masses have become visible rising from the ocean floor, which will create an odd shape similar to a set of truck nuts. We reached Chief Breaking wind for comment.  He said “all is in our prophecy, soon the flying monkeys will be dropping feces upon all the barracks”, he went on to warn of the coming fistula to appear in the sky as a sign to take cover in the cotton fields.

All are warned to prepare with the government supplied Depends, grape soda, cheezy poofs and Bactine; and to prepare for the opening of the gate at Uranus.

More to follow with this breaking story.
Read the previous Barafrica stories:
https://iamneutered.wordpress.com/2009/12/31/obama-works-his-voodoo-sends-limbaugh-to-the-hospital/
https://iamneutered.wordpress.com/2009/08/16/chaos-erupts-in-courtroom/
https://iamneutered.wordpress.com/2009/06/17/natives-sound-off-in-court/
https://iamneutered.wordpress.com/2009/05/21/amabo-controversy-ended/
*****UPDATE*****
Chief breaking wind has just released the tale of the torn fistula. “After the vision of the truck nuts I was told that the fistula will tear in the sky and bathe the land in a red rain” .   Shortly thereafter, an odd red rain began to fall and government officials recommended placing the government issued Depends over your head.   This prompted the locals to rebel against the government calling and chanting “shit heads”.  

more to follow….
Good work Jim Roon! I won’t be answering the phone anymore though.
–Ian Al Simers, truly depressed

OBAMA WORKS HIS VOODOO SENDS LIMBAUGH TO THE HOSPITAL

December 31, 2009

Oh my aching head and shoulders!

By Reporter666

Honolulu, HI. Rush Limbaugh was rushed to the emergency room at HanaLiki-liki Memorial Hospital yesterday complaining of severe chest pain. Coincidentally, the AMABO and his spawn were in Honolulu on vacation from destroying the world. They were spotted on the beach and the AMABO was holding a straw doll that had a huge pin sticking out of it’s chest. Then he threw the doll into the surf, laughed hysterically and screamed “Beck, you’re next.”

Rush’s condition is still unknown at this time. Doctors can find no physical reason for his excruciating stabbing chest pain. Good thing for Rush that the AMABO’s health care package has not been implemented or he would be dead.

Since the AMABO like dolls, hey America, let’s send the AMABO some belated Xmas gifts: Kachina dolls! Buy them here. It is a known fact that Kachinas can hold evil spirits/disease and will pass it on to whomever possesses the doll.

This reporter won’t even include a picture of a doll for fear of cursing you readers. If you are brave enough you can click the above links and read all about it.

BRING IN 2010 WITH LOADS OF LAUGHS

December 29, 2009

By Ian Al Simers, Head Honcho

Hi all, and look what I have found on You Tube! These videos are sure to make you laugh til you burst your guts wide open and they are all FOR REAL! The person featured in the video is truly special.

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!

December 18, 2009

By Ian Al Simers, head honcho

That’s right. That’s right. I said it and I say it! Merry Christmas everybody!

It has been one heck of a roller coaster year for our beleaguered country. 2009 is ending and 2010 is just around the corner. What will this new year hold in store for us? Will the tribes people of Barafrica ever be freed from the crushing rule of the AMABO? Will his offspring, Sheneequa and Mudflaps, rain terror upon the world? Will anyone buy Gabe’s cock? Will the drunkard animal lover in Williams find a new friend in reporter J. Rooney?

Answers to these and many more questions will have to wait as father time ticks down the hours and minutes to the final stroke of midnight and the new year will begin.

I think this photograph pretty well sums up my sentiments for this past year of 2009. Perhaps you feel the same.

SO LONG 2009!

CHAOS ERUPTS IN COURTROOM

August 16, 2009

By J. Olsen, cub-reporter, World Daily Planet News, Metropolis

Exclusive shot of attempted murder of Chief Dog-Breaking-Wind

Exclusive shot of attempted murder of Chief Dog-Breaking-Wind

This is an UPDATE to my story NATIVES SOUND OFF IN COURT

The courtroom testimony of Chief Dog-Breaking-Wind was interrupted today by the AMABO attempting to strangle the chief with a garrote. The chief was protected by the poisoned spines on his native headdress. The shocking incident occurred when the chief was being cross-examined by the Barafrican state attorney, Ms. Cass Traate, and was explaining how he would never ever bend over and take it in the ass for AMABO. Just then, up sprang the AMABO from behind the witness chair and the struggle began. It took 7 warriors to subdue the AMABO who was screeching gibberish while foaming at the mouth. The AMABO was drug out of the courthouse in heavy restraints into the arms of 6 of his private security force who finally silenced the AMABO by stuffing ACORNS in his mouth.

Exclusive photo of the AMABO security force

Exclusive photo of the AMABO security force captain

Chief Dog-Breaking-Wind was unhurt in the incident and was heard to yell at AMABO “I put a curse on you and your minions. Explosive diarrhea for you all!” No sooner had the chief uttered those words, the courtroom was bursting with runny smelly excrement pouring out of the buttholes of officers of the court and many many of the spectators. (This reporter is glad he is not and never was an AMABO supporter.) Then the presiding judge I. Wil Pokemass called for a recess for the day. It is unclear when testimony will continue as the courtroom needs a hazmat cleanup and as of this writing many of the participants are still suffering from explosive diarrhea.

JUST RELEASED: NEW OBAMA PHOTOS

July 3, 2009

By C. Kent, reporter, World Daily Planet News, Metropolis

You just can’t beat the movie classics for showing off the ‘NOBAMA CHANGE’!

Bonnie & Clyde is now Berry & Shelly

Bonnie & Clyde is now Berry & Shelly

Treasure of the Sierra Madre is now Treasure of the Taxpayers

Treasure of the Sierra Madre is now Treasure of the Taxpayers

The Godfather is now The ObamaAlla

The Godfather is now The ObamaAlla

It's A Wonderful Life is now It's An Obama Living Hell

It's A Wonderful Life is now Life Is Hell Living Under Obama

Gone With The Wind is now Gone With The Obama-nation SATAN

Gone With The Wind is now Gone With The Obama-nation SATAN

The Wizard Of Oz is now The Satanic Obama Wizard Of Hell

The Wizard Of Oz is now The Satanic Obama Wizard Of Hell

Obama IS the Wicked Witch of the West!

Obama IS the Wicked Witch of the West!

You can find more stuff like this at www.iowntheworld.com! Check them out! The site is hilarious and RIGHT ON TARGET!

BREAKING NEWS: MICHAEL JACKSON MURDERED

June 28, 2009

GERALDO RIVERA JUST ANNOUNCED ON FOXNEWS THAT MICHAEL JACKSON WAS MURDERED FOR HIS MONEY. WORTH MORE DEAD THAN ALIVE!! NATION OF ISLAM HIRED DOCTOR TO ADMINISTER A LETHAL DOSE OF DEMEROL TO KILL JACKSON, RE-NIG ON CONCERT DATES AND MAKE MILLIONS FOR THEM. FAMILY DEVASTED AND CLAIMS HE WAS GIVEN A LETHAL DOSE OF MORPHINE. DOCTOR TO-ME TOME INSTRUCTED TO OVERDOSE JACKSON, DOCTOR HAS CONFESSED TO POLICE UNDER HEAVING QUESTIONING. JESSIE JACKSON AGREES WITH CONSPIRACY. DOCTOR MURRAYS ATTORNEY DENIES CLAIM OF WRONG-DOING.

ON ANOTHER UNRELATED INVESTIGATION, HOSPITAL WORKERS DISCOVERED AFTER M. JACKASSON WAS PRONOUNCED DEAD 6 GERBILS CRAWLED OUT HIS ASS.

HI KIDS! I’M THE HANDI-DOUGHNUT MAN!

May 23, 2009

by J. Olsen, cub-reporter for the World Daily Planet News, Metropolis

FUDGE PACKERS UNITE! IT’S THE HANDI-DOUGHNUT MAN! What a physique! I just want to lick his smooth, silky, creamy hole until the ecstacy overwhelms me with shivers and breathlessness. Just one look at this photo and you’ll feel the same. He told me his name is DJ Rellas. But to me he is muy sauve and all macho.

COME LICK ME!

COME LICK ME!

JUST WHAT THE DOCTOR ORDERED!

May 16, 2009

I was checking out shower chairs and I happened upon this photo. Ya know there is nothing I hate more than getting that urgent B.M. message just when I am getting into the shower. Well now I don’t have to worry about that anymore and I don’t have to mash it down the drain with my foot.

IAN AL Simers 🙂

NOW I CAN SHIT WHILE I SHOWER! I JUST LOVE AMERICA!

NOW I CAN SHIT WHILE I SHOWER! I JUST LOVE AMERICA!

FOR THE TWO-FACED AMABO!

May 16, 2009

CAUGHT THIS IN A BRIEF MOMENT WHEN HE COULD NOT HOLD HIS SHAPE!

TwoHeadedBaby_devilbaby

Aw, don't cry, it's just a 2nd degree burn!