2017 is going to be a very interesting year. After smoking 3 rocks of crack taking after our beloved AMABO, here are my predictions for 2017. (Jimmy smoke crack and he don’t care–Ed.)
Your house is going to have to be hooked up to the electric grid, you could hope for an EMP plus that’s how they are going to kill 90% in this state. Load your trunk up with black-market merchandise. Who needs water to flush a toilet? We will run on compressed air, that really scares all the rats that live in the sewer. AMABO is going to move to kaliforkina and declare it an independent country which he will then rule over with Shelly, Mudflaps and Sheenequa, but not before establishing the crack corridor. The third rail will be touched and kill the high speed rail but not before the earthquake that will completely destroy Glass Valley and Shit-hole by the Bay will be flushed out. The underground tunnels will be destroyed and spill out all the reptilians and dulceneans.
The TrumPence will assume the new leadership of Barafrica. They will change Barafrica and free the repressed tribes. We will be going back to Mayberry the small town populated with many confirmed bachelors. Single males, they are animals. That’s why when I fill out the forms I put N/A. I don’t know what I am, so where do I go to the bathroom? In my pants! Unisex pants will become the latest fashion because of its ease of use by security guards in front of cheerleaders and security guards at other locations. There’s a built in camel-toe in these pants because we have become pussies. Later in the year, boots will become fashionable again as the ass-kicking starts, episode one ‘the beginnings’. There will be an economic boom and then a big bust. Stock market manipulations and contusions will lower taxes and increase jobs to repair the kingdom infrastructure. Planned parenthood will be discovered to have defaulted on the Sanger Eugenics foundation and will be ordered to kill more AssStink and Muletoe babies. Regulations will be changed to use pitchforks and shovels, babies will be considered tiny horse-fishes or what’s more commonly known as sea horses, shrimps, prawns–ooh seafood that’s good right about now. I’ve hankering for some Long John Silvers. I see lots of people in the Los-Banos-Sinkhole prison; they got an open house for the public Tuesdays and Saturdays.
You are at a certain time and certain place and your school told you how to think they were in compliant with the state otherwise they would be shut down. Like a cross-dresser, but cross-pollination education. These were public school assistance that went to a private school and they caused my asthma. Accomplishment is more so with your soul for why you are here and you die. Debbie Reynolds and Carrie Fisher are dead and I predict she will come back as a snake, she did drugs and got high all the time. Was she really a toweley type of person? Is it better to give everything away and live in poverty? Are the rest of us failures? What is accomplishment? It’s hard to push a prius through the asshole of a camel than get into heaven. We will all see the Time Continuum. I got in, he had to lie. I don’t know how this is going to turn out, a lot of f*****s have to go away. Are they going to have balls? I wouldn’t know as I Am Neutered so speak to my brother. Me and my monkey write Shakespearean sonnets. We are close to the Soylent Green era.
The internet is going to become a punch card that will be re-created through a 3-D printer. The blueprints are out there. We will be operating 50 years into the past. It’s 1967, the Summer of Love in SanFranDickhole where everything is roses and dandelions and the cock-docking is done daily. I get to watch my gut grow and get more bloated, but dammit he owes me a dinner as I won the bet. The compounds are easy to put together, I want the blue gold. Put it on your lips when you are down in the weeds, waiting for the ducks and snakes. Make sure you have the suit. It’s a weight loss program. I start working freelance, betting Sugar to show! It will be mandatory that every citizen is a Jim Morrison immigrant, open the Doors, open the Doors, Come On Baby Light My Fire, This Is the End Gloria, my LA Woman–she’s a red headed devil.
All through 2017, Prince will remain dead.
Finally, the government will announce to the public later this year that on December 26, 2016, we were hit with a galactic wave and yes, we are all dead now.
Feel better and don’t take things so seriously.
But I am dead inside.
Thanks Jim, once again you’ve pushed the envelope of your sanity to bring us some great predictions.
Finally a city has gotten it right in dealing with those freaks at intersections in any city in any state. Posting a sign that clearly states where the down and out can call for help with needed ‘food’ and ‘lodging’ and also stating where ‘concerned citizens’ (i.e. bleeding heart idiots who give money to these street corner beggars) can donate money to the ’cause’. I hope that ALL cities adopt this method! By the way, the ordinance that this sign lists is an ordinance against criminal trespass. PERFECT!
HA! I WAS RIGHT ON TARGET! And speaking of Target, in 2014 Gabe’s Cocks will go out of business due to a bank computer glitch that wiped out his account. The bankruptcy judge will be selling his cock on Saturday to the highest bidder at auction to satisfy the Honey Badgers as they attempt to collect their tribute from the once great company.
Freaky doesn’t even begin to describe this!
As I predicted, many movie starlets have been observed eating cat turds, one for example is Miley Syphilis who has taken her cat fancy to new disturbing levels at the direct command of the great AMABO. Her erratic behavior is further evidence of her addiction to the cat fecal matter.
iBleed money, do you?
In late 2013 Apple introduced the new emasculating top-of-their-line computer, the iTAMPON. This item will soon be discontinued because it ships with only the outside and not the actual tampon inside the tube.
Now for my 2014 PREDICTIONS.
Finally the Muleattoes are pushed over the limit and revolt against the AMABO. This causes Icky-PooPoo to rumble in terror. Watch for these signs:
When these signs appear to you, you will know that the Galactic Federation is fed up with Chief Dog Breaking Wind’s antics and has begun bombarding the earth with alien garbage that appears to be rocks but that are really alien burnt up turds that will contaminate the earth with a virus that causes explosive uncontrollable diarrhea (runny shits) and severe dehydration.
That’s a 3 pounder if I’ve ever seen one!
Oooh, I can smell it from here!
Severe dehydration – the first step in Our New Food.
One giant turd meant for Chief Dog Breaking Wind will land off the west coast of Barafrica causing a giant tsunami which will envelope the Herpés-Sore island where the Chief is spending the country’s inheritance on gay hookers and rare barbee dolls that remind him of his childhood.
Do ya got a light honey? Buy me a beer, I’m drinkin’ fer two!
It’s A Gay Anemone!
Out of this chaos, will come another chief, Chief Oozing Toe Fungus from the AssStink Tribe. His trusted son, FleckAPoo who has been a medicine man for many years, will conduct a nation-wide cleansing which will result in massive shortages of baby-butt wipes. INVEST NOW! Buy as many packages as you can, they will be worth more than GOLD!
Worth their weight in GOLD!!
“Slightly Used”? Great!
Finally, Chief Oozing Toe Fungus will replace Chief Dog Breaking Wind and topple the Muleattoes rule over Barafrica. Cheezy Poofs and Grape Soda once again become plentiful as the Great Cleansing becomes complete. The AssStink Tribe begins to rebuild the Barafrican economy by building more casinos and encouraging tourism. All the bodies of the dead that have dehydrated from the diarrhea will be ground up and a new unlimited food source for the cheesy poofs industry will be created.
That is all I can see for now. Going into these altered states is very taxing. I will continue to submit my predictions as they manifest in my head.
Today in the great agricultural zone known as The Giant Smear in the kingdom of Barafrica, The Great Wind appeared that spreads the badgers. Millions of honey badgers were flung throughout the surrounding countryside. There are reports of a great number of Barafrican peasants who have perished at the insatiable voracious appetite of the relentless honey badgers. Them honey badgers are BAD-ASS! Not a single one died in the Great Wind! The great ruler of the kingdom saw how effective these small animals were in being resistant to ANYTHING, because they are TOUGH AS SHIT!
Where’s my money?
Our cub reporter, J. Olsen has a contact deep inside the anals of the great leader’s home. He reported back to us that AMABO is in the process of training almost 20,000 more of these honey badgers to collect his tribute from the peasants. They are trained to occasionally eat the peasant even after they pay the tribute. The uproar in the kingdom doesn’t matter to the honey badger, ’cause he’s BAD-ASS! He’ll eat your children while you watch and if you don’t pay up and run, he’ll eat you too! He’ll chase you down and squirt his stink on you!
The arrow points to the Perianal Resort.
As a result of this new program, the people have quit working and have gone into hiding, due to the decrease in tribute, the AMABO had to call Sheenequa and Mudflaps and his breeding partner Shelly, back from the Perianal Resort off the Hemorrhoid Coast of Barafrica where they fled from the trained honey badgers.
I have been inundated with calls if this quake is the one http://www.infp.ro/ro/ . Yes that is a large quake today in China (8.6), but the 9.6 is still coming. I will be doing a channel today with all the plugins and expect to release the evacuation reports this weekend. It is a good time to go skiing in the maountains with extra supplies.
So Long Stoopid Amerlikens!
Whee! My randing is cushioned by all bodies of dead Amelicans!
Energy release imminent. Full rights given to distribute this release.
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Thanks Jim. I am already 5 steps ahead of you.
–Ian Al Simers, head honcho 🙂
The normally docile residents of Roontown in southern Barafrica are getting antsy. Animals are fleeing to the safety of the nearby cruise ships. The rumblings are low frequency S waves emanating a methane smell that is choking the air. Several gerbils have been seen coated in feces, running towards the great Amabo statue located beneath the Ickypoopoo volcano.
The IckyPooPoo Volcano
The Great Statue of AMABO
Several land masses have become visible rising from the ocean floor, which will create an odd shape similar to a set of truck nuts. We reached Chief Breaking wind for comment. He said “all is in our prophecy, soon the flying monkeys will be dropping feces upon all the barracks”, he went on to warn of the coming fistula to appear in the sky as a sign to take cover in the cotton fields.
All are warned to prepare with the government supplied Depends, grape soda, cheezy poofs and Bactine; and to prepare for the opening of the gate at Uranus.
Chief breaking wind has just released the tale of the torn fistula. “After the vision of the truck nuts I was told that the fistula will tear in the sky and bathe the land in a red rain” . Shortly thereafter, an odd red rain began to fall and government officials recommended placing the government issued Depends over your head. This prompted the locals to rebel against the government calling and chanting “shit heads”.
more to follow….
Good work Jim Roon! I won’t be answering the phone anymore though.
Honolulu, HI. Rush Limbaugh was rushed to the emergency room at HanaLiki-liki Memorial Hospital yesterday complaining of severe chest pain. Coincidentally, the AMABO and his spawn were in Honolulu on vacation from destroying the world. They were spotted on the beach and the AMABO was holding a straw doll that had a huge pin sticking out of it’s chest. Then he threw the doll into the surf, laughed hysterically and screamed “Beck, you’re next.”
Rush’s condition is still unknown at this time. Doctors can find no physical reason for his excruciating stabbing chest pain. Good thing for Rush that the AMABO’s health care package has not been implemented or he would be dead.
Since the AMABO like dolls, hey America, let’s send the AMABO some belated Xmas gifts: Kachina dolls! Buy them here. It is a known fact that Kachinas can hold evil spirits/disease and will pass it on to whomever possesses the doll.
This reporter won’t even include a picture of a doll for fear of cursing you readers. If you are brave enough you can click the above links and read all about it.
That’s right. That’s right. I said it and I say it! Merry Christmas everybody!
It has been one heck of a roller coaster year for our beleaguered country. 2009 is ending and 2010 is just around the corner. What will this new year hold in store for us? Will the tribes people of Barafrica ever be freed from the crushing rule of the AMABO? Will his offspring, Sheneequa and Mudflaps, rain terror upon the world? Will anyone buy Gabe’s cock? Will the drunkard animal lover in Williams find a new friend in reporter J. Rooney?
Answers to these and many more questions will have to wait as father time ticks down the hours and minutes to the final stroke of midnight and the new year will begin.
I think this photograph pretty well sums up my sentiments for this past year of 2009. Perhaps you feel the same.
WASHINGTON, D.C. In his nationally televised speech on Wednesday, September 9, 2009 (9-9-09; I think I see a relation to … 666! and how appropriate for AMABO to make a speech on such an EVIL day) to the joint houses of the Senate and Representatives, the president openly admitted to telling a lie. He had just stated that illegal immigrants would not be eligible for his health care program and then his next statement was, “That is a lie” and then he coolly and calmly finished his speech. Reactions of congress ranged from shocked disbelief to absolute agreement.
The citizens, however, were not surprised and were awakened from the spell that the AMABO had cast upon them. They organized themselves and marched on the capitol on September 12, 2009 to let their voices be heard.
Unfortunately, the AMABO was conveniently out of town that day addressing a coven in Minneapolis.
Meanwhile, in the parking lot, a lot of vehicles sporting AMABO bumper stickers were found to have spawned a new one:
China’s national flag to go up in White House on Sept 20
By Hou Lei (chinadaily.com.cn)
Updated: 2009-07-13 16:45
The national flag of the People’s Republic of China (PRC) will be hoisted at the South Lawn of the White House in Washington on September 20, media reported Sunday.
Chinese associations in the United States had applied to hold a ceremony in front of the US President’s residence to celebrate the 60th anniversary of the founding of PRC.
Chen Ronghua, chairman of Fujian Association of the United States, told reporters that their application was approved not only because of the sound Sino-US relations but also because China is a responsible country.
“Many Americans admire China due to the success of last year’s Beijing Olympics,” said Chen.
More than 1,000 people will attend the ceremony and the performances held after it, according to Zhao Luqun, who will direct the performances.
Zhao said the performances will demonstrate the friendship, magnanimous spirit and kindness of modern Chinese people.
AND NOW FOR SOMETHING ON A LIGHTER NOTE:
PANDA JOKE OF THE DAY
A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead.
As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, “Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn’t pay for the food!”
The panda yells back, “Hey, man, I’m a panda. Look it up!”
The bartender opens his dictionary to panda: “A tree-climbing mammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring.
The courtroom testimony of Chief Dog-Breaking-Wind was interrupted today by the AMABO attempting to strangle the chief with a garrote.The chief was protected by the poisoned spines on his native headdress. The shocking incident occurred when the chief was being cross-examined by the Barafrican state attorney, Ms. Cass Traate, and was explaining how he would never ever bend over and take it in the ass for AMABO. Just then, up sprang the AMABO from behind the witness chair and the struggle began. It took 7 warriors to subdue the AMABO who was screeching gibberish while foaming at the mouth. The AMABO was drug out of the courthouse in heavy restraints into the arms of 6 of his private security force who finally silenced the AMABO by stuffing ACORNS in his mouth.
Exclusive photo of the AMABO security force captain
Chief Dog-Breaking-Wind was unhurt in the incident and was heard to yell at AMABO “I put a curse on you and your minions. Explosive diarrhea for you all!” No sooner had the chief uttered those words, the courtroom was bursting with runny smelly excrement pouring out of the buttholes of officers of the court and many many of the spectators. (This reporter is glad he is not and never was an AMABO supporter.) Then the presiding judge I. Wil Pokemass called for a recess for the day. It is unclear when testimony will continue as the courtroom needs a hazmat cleanup and as of this writing many of the participants are still suffering from explosive diarrhea.
By Jim Rooney, midget, reformed dog-rapist and reporter-in-training; World Daily Planet News, Metropolis
Run Steve, run! Steve Jobs now has a new app for his wonderful invention, the i-phone! Many of his laid-off employees have taken it to heart and are seeking him out to show him just how wonderfully it works!
Hi mom, guess what I'm gonna do!
Now any crazee can kill and have a conference call with his agent, attorney and broker. Oh this is just wonderful! I love Appel. They are always on the forefont of the tech world. Oh my bitch of a wife is barking at me! Wish I had one of these.
The national flag of the People’s Republic of China (PRC) will be hoisted at the South Lawn of the White House in Washington on September 20, media reported Sunday.
Chen Ronghua, chairman of Fujian Association of the United States, told reporters that their application was approved not only because of the sound Sino-US relations but also because China is a responsible country.
I AM NEUTERED 