Archive for August, 2009

A TALE OF TWO TIMMY’S

August 29, 2009

By reporter666

TACOS, NM. In a secret underground bunker, the two Timmy’s finally met. I have exclusive access to the yet-to-be broadcast dialog/exchange between Timothy Geitner and Timmy (that’s pronounced T-I-M-M-A-E) from South Park.  Here is an excerpt:

TIMMAE!

TIMMAE!

Huh?

Huh?

TIMMAE?

TIMMAE?

Yes.

Yes.

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WHERE WAS GLENN BECK NOW REVEALED

August 24, 2009
The ISLE of GILLIGAN

The ISLE of GILLIGAN

By G. Santos, reporter, World Daily Planet News, Metropolis

My sources have revealed that popular talk show host, Glenn Beck, was held in a re-edumacation camp for the past two weeks on the remote Isle of Gilligan at the southwest tip of Barafrica until his rescue.

Mr. Beck was forced to work during the day in the fields growing high cholesterol foods and was nightly tortured by Smith Sheparhd by being forced to eat Sheparhd’s fungus infected toenail clippings. Beck’s captors did not use water boarding, but instead used water ballooning–where the victim runs back and forth in a confined space while being pummeled with water balloons that not only soaks the victim’s $1,000 outfit but also totally ruins the ‘do.

Beck’s rescue was funded and supplied by the great folks at Clorox, CVS, Wal-Mart, and Sprint to name just a few. Additional funding for Mr. Beck’s rescue came from the Stimulus Bailout Package and the Reinvestment Act of 2009.

The Rescue Boat

The Rescue Boat

His rescue team was made up from the best America has to offer: Thomas Jefferson, Thomas Payne, Patrick Henry, Benjamin Franklin, Ronald Reagan and Sarah Palin on shotgun. In addition there was Jane Russell (the movie star), Howard Hughes (the millionaire), Joseph Hazelwood (the Exxon Valdez skipper), and Judas (because there is always at least one).

Glenn's fellow political prisioners

Glenn's fellow political prisioners

See...I told you! There is ALWAYS at least one JUDAS!

See...I told you! There is ALWAYS at least one JUDAS!

Since his harrowing experience on the island and his daring rescue, Mr. Beck has been reunited with his family and has returned to his syndicated radio show and his television show on FOX News and is none the worse for wear. In fact, when questioned by this reporter about the incident, Mr. Beck denied it ever happened. I, Geraldo Santos, understand that anyone would block out such a horrific memory and want to move on. You go, Glenn!


NASA NOW PLANS TO FARM FISH IN SPACE

August 23, 2009
OH WE FORGOT ABOUT GAMMA RAYS! LOOKS LIKE WE NEED A BIGGER BOAT!

UH OH WE FORGOT ABOUT GAMMA RAYS! LOOKS LIKE WE NEED A BIGGER BOAT!

By C. Kent, reporter, World Daily Planet News, Metropolis

On the heels of a depressing report on the high mercury content in our nation’s streams and rivers and the fish living in those streams, the AMABO has ordered NASA to take up a new and more ambitious project in addition to blowing up the earth’s moon (see NASA LAUNCHES ROCKET TO BLOW UP THE MOON). NASA is now taking up fish farming in space! Inside the next shuttle launch will be hundreds of fish tanks filled with babies of all species of fish. When the shuttle reaches earth orbit, the tanks will be released and tethered to the space station. The occupants of the space station will be responsible for feeding the fish and cleaning the tanks. The shuttle crew will be responsible for harvesting the catch and bringing it back to earth for processing. The harvest will be featured on next season’s The Deadliest Catch.

Hi there!

Hi there! Zero Gravity Is Fun!

On another note, people of color should refrain from eating contaminated fish from earth especially white sea bass as they could suffer the same fate as Michael Jackson as he consumed tons of this fish and ultimately turned into a white woman and then died due to the fact that the compact fluorescent in his head blew up.  And now his brain is being studied by the U.S. Fish and Game Department. Welfare recipients around the nation are being denied benefits because they have turned white overnight because they ate too much government canned tuna. We are currently investigating the effects of government cheese and will report our findings.

Oh look some bail out money!

Oh look some bail out money!

Also due to the increased lethal levels in our nation’s fish, the AMABO has now ordered every manufacturer of light bulbs to use fish inside instead of compact fluorescent powder so that when the bulb dies you can eat it or donate it to a shelter under AMABO’S Feed American Program.

This should be easy!

Oh Yeah! This should be easy!

NEW MANTRA FROM THE AMABO FOR SENIORS AND CRITCALLY ILL YOUNGER PEOPLE

August 21, 2009

HAVE YOU SEEN THESE POSTED AT YOUR LOCAL CLINIC OR HOSPITAL WAITING ROOM?

Hey it's grape flavor! Yum Yum!

Hey it's grape flavor! Yum Yum!

CHAOS ERUPTS IN COURTROOM

August 16, 2009

By J. Olsen, cub-reporter, World Daily Planet News, Metropolis

Exclusive shot of attempted murder of Chief Dog-Breaking-Wind

Exclusive shot of attempted murder of Chief Dog-Breaking-Wind

This is an UPDATE to my story NATIVES SOUND OFF IN COURT

The courtroom testimony of Chief Dog-Breaking-Wind was interrupted today by the AMABO attempting to strangle the chief with a garrote. The chief was protected by the poisoned spines on his native headdress. The shocking incident occurred when the chief was being cross-examined by the Barafrican state attorney, Ms. Cass Traate, and was explaining how he would never ever bend over and take it in the ass for AMABO. Just then, up sprang the AMABO from behind the witness chair and the struggle began. It took 7 warriors to subdue the AMABO who was screeching gibberish while foaming at the mouth. The AMABO was drug out of the courthouse in heavy restraints into the arms of 6 of his private security force who finally silenced the AMABO by stuffing ACORNS in his mouth.

Exclusive photo of the AMABO security force

Exclusive photo of the AMABO security force captain

Chief Dog-Breaking-Wind was unhurt in the incident and was heard to yell at AMABO “I put a curse on you and your minions. Explosive diarrhea for you all!” No sooner had the chief uttered those words, the courtroom was bursting with runny smelly excrement pouring out of the buttholes of officers of the court and many many of the spectators. (This reporter is glad he is not and never was an AMABO supporter.) Then the presiding judge I. Wil Pokemass called for a recess for the day. It is unclear when testimony will continue as the courtroom needs a hazmat cleanup and as of this writing many of the participants are still suffering from explosive diarrhea.

JUST RELEASED: ACORN CENSUS TAKER UNIFORMS

August 5, 2009

By J. Rooney, still a midget/reformed dog rapist/reporter, World Daily Planet News, Metropolis

Have you seen these people wandering around your neighborhood? Well, in a bizarre turn of events, the AMABO administration has just released preliminary photos of the new ACORN census taker uniforms to the public.  The AMABO felt that the public should be shown the new ACORN uniforms as to prevent unnecessary calls to the police when the ACORN census takers start making the rounds across Barafrica.  So if you see this uniform in your neighborhood, I think you know what to do. If you don’t, just watch the old Frankenstein movie starring Boris Karloff. Think villagers, frightened angry villagers. . .

How about a little fire, scarecrow?
How about a little fire, scarecrow?

OBAMA JOKER POSTER IN LA

August 3, 2009

YOU’VE BEEN LOOKING AND NOW YOU HAVE FOUND IT! THANKS FOR VISITING MY BLOG! DON’T BE NEUTERED AMERICA!

I FOUND IT AT : http://news.lalate.com/2009/08/03/obama-joker-poster/

obama-poster-1

AND ALSO AT: http://www.examiner.com/x-14650-Entertainment-Examiner~y2009m8d3-Obama-Joker-poster-causes-confusion-and-anger

Obamasocialismposter

WOW!