The Amazing Jim Roon Predicts!
by Jim Roon, contributing reporter and in-house Psychic
During the convergence of the galactic center and the alignment of the planets to the Mayan temple in the jungles of Central America, where I was stationed to witness this great event, I became psychic and can now see the past, present, and future beyond infinity. I really enjoyed the cuisine of mushrooms and cocoa leaves.
As Fashion Week draws near, I have uncovered a new trend for 2013. All men will now be encouraged to be Pussies. Men ! Fold your extra fat in the front. Women walk in front of men, men slink behind by the string of a woman’s tampon. This will become very popular in San Francisco, they will insert tampons in their rectums.
“Honey follow the string, use it for dental floss when you are done with dinner”. Floss as you tug. This idea was started with the Centi-Pad concept.
New currency will come into effect, Prep H to be used liberally when AMABO gives it to us in the ass. This came to me in a flash of pain while I was sitting on the pointed summit of one of the Mayan temples.
June 2013 Vatican City: the Pope releases over 7500 small boys who were kept in the basement and apologizes to the rest of the clergy for giving up their party favors.
And you’ve always wondered what was below the Vatican!
Weather changes: Many storms, sometimes cold, sometimes warm. A tsunami 50 feet high will hit Greenland but nobody will notice. A large sheet of ice will form over the Bay of the Crooked Thumb and it will not recede until the rainbow with tinkerbell-fairy appear. Climate change will be proven true because of the many changes in temperature all over the world. There will be seasons Fall, Winter, Spring and Summer. These changes will require different types of clothing, which will fuel the slagging economy of Barafrica.
Al Gore will gut himself on live television in protest of the founding of the Internet Museum where he was overlooked as the ‘inventor of the internet’.
Barafrica will become a world recognized super power as the highly volatile IckyPooPoo volcano’s energy will be harnessed and used to threaten the rest of the globe. Barafrica will also become the number one vacation destination for tourism and the cruise ships will be full of people and deadly viruses.
There will be a blockbuster movie that will make over 100 million Barafricos; but will be banned because it offends the Great Leader and his message. Many movie star overdoses in the coming year. One particular movie starlet will choke to death on cat turds which will become the latest craze in the Hollywood crowd: feasting on other people’s cat’s litterboxes.
The cost of Grape Soda will drop to record levels; as the AMABO tries to appease the tribes of Barafrica to quell possible demonstrations and rioting over the new price increases in Cheesy Poofs. Barafrican lions will torture and eat stray tourists for their BBC (Barafrico Benefitoes Card) cards to fuel the lion’s new methamphetamine habit and hookers.
Gabe’s Cocks will e*x*p*a*n*d from raising cocks in a barn to offering beer, wine and spirits in a cozy atmosphere at the barn across the road. The regular Gabe’s Con-Cocktion (ground up chicks) will be the featured dish and the restaurant/bar will be named GFC (Gabe’s Fried Cocks). Take a bucket home for the family. It’s the popcorn bucket surprise! Surprise your significant other with GFC’s! GFC’s are ground up chicks that are dropped into 500 degree hot oil feathers and all to make those mouth-watering morsels. GMO certified chicks and oil. All natural GMO (Gabes Mommy’s Ok).
Once again, everyone will forget my birthday and I will be alone drinking my Kettelle Onay and playing my annual birthday game of russian roulette (deer hunter style–is there any other way!?).
I AM NEUTERED 