ANZEL ADDAMS . . . G*E*N*U*I*S?

Photo entitled 'Hangover Oak on a dewy morn'

by Salvacion Maria Dolly; pictures courtesy Melinda Ryan

I couldn’t be more sick and tired of all the to-do over this Anzel Addams.   History has been way too kind to this guy.   It’s time the whole sobering story was told.   Forget everything you ever have read about him.   Read these words now and you can believe them later.

Addams was a hopeless bum and drunkard.   Only someone with no responsibilities at all would have the time to sit in the forest and take pictures.   All you hear is that he was a genius with light and texture.   If you haven’t noticed, the forest is a beautiful place!   It doesn’t matter what time of day, you’ll get a great photo.

Now, this Addams fella was what we would nowadays call an indigent homeless, scum-sucking, fudge-packing, dirtbag .   He would hang around in state parks and rummage though the dumpsters and chemical toilets for discarded table scraps, partially digested food found near public restrooms and vomitoriums and soiled Depends, not unlike Yogi bear.  These things might be bear-proof but they aren’t Anzel proof! All the campers thought that a bear got into the cooler or picnic basket, when in reality it was Anzel. He even left some scat to cover his thefts. Oh, and of course any and all liquor/beer would be taken.

He had no problem with sleeping arrangements since he could get all the camping equipment he needed the same way he got the food.

Exclusive: Addams taking a 'nap'!

So all he did was hang out and take pictures.

Now here is the most revealing fact about him.   How he decided when it was the perfect time to take the picture.   You won’t believe this.   The bum was a hopeless drunk.   He would take a bottle of whatever hooch he heisted and head off to a hilltop or meadow.   He’d guzzle that hooch until he passed out.   The first thing he did when he came-to was to grab his bulb release and squeeze.

That’s it!!!

That’s how he decided when to take the perfect photo.

The one with the perfect light.

The one with the perfect composition.

The one with the perfect texture.

It was his private secret and he got the biggest kick out of how flatlanders thought he had some gift or something.

Well there it is.

Time to rewrite the history books.

Heck, if I had that much time I could do the same thing.

Sorry to burst the bubble but that’s the way I see it.

Family and friends made many many attempts to get Addams into rehab. None of them were successful.

Addams at his first rehab clinic.

His alcoholism and poor hygiene took it’s toll on him in the end.


One of his last self-portrait shots

Alcoholism is a very bad thing. Poor Anzel suffered greatly from being chewed on by the forest critters while he was passed out. WARNING GRAPHIC!!!!!

He suffered greatly for his 'art'

I personally have two photos in my collection of him. The first one was taken the morning after his gallery opening. He would often take the money he got for his ‘art’ and spend it on a night of bar-hopping in the homo district. He would always wake up in an alley with a headache and a bleeding rectum.

Another successful gallery opening!

This second picture is of my 5th cousin 3rd removed and Addams after about 60 shots. Addams won that competition. He isn’t looking at the camera because by that age  he was already legally blind from a lifetime of drinking cheap hooch!

Ah, good times, good times.


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10 Responses to “ANZEL ADDAMS . . . G*E*N*U*I*S?”

  1. Gary Gerbil Says:

    mmmmm tasty back ribs

    • iamneutered Says:

      I detect some lividity! I think he’s a little ripe!
      –Ian AL Simers, 🙂

      • Gary Gerbil Says:

        Actually, Alvin and his chipmunks revied the ole bastard and he lived several years. Although poor Ansil has a swarm of flies following him everywhere due to the maggot nursery in his back

  2. Gary Gerbil Says:

    Hey Willis.. Who you callin’ NOONE?

  3. billybobcracker Says:

    Hey Gary, you ain’t a NOONE! But where’s evrybuddy else?
    Ooooh! That some NASTY sore on his back! Need to grab another cold one to get that image outta ma head!

  4. iamneutered Says:

    Great work Salvacion Maria Dolly! Nice photos Melinda Ryan!
    Looking forward to future submissions of more breaking news!
    –Ian AL Simers, Head Honcho 🙂

  5. Gary Bubblers Says:

    His favorite pastime was sittin in the creek after a bucket ‘o beans making a bubble bath, it helped soothe the festering sore

  6. billybobcracker Says:

    OMG! Mine too!

  7. Mirror Tiles · Says:

    when you go out on a camping trip, you should always make sure that you have you are complete with camping equipment `,,
    *********SPAM ALERT INTERNET PORN ALERT INTERNET VIRUS ALERT***********
    –IanALSimers, head honcho 🙂

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