ALL EVACUEES RETURN HOME TO WILLIAMS AZ

By Ian Al Simers

Hi folks. I stumbled upon this gem while perusing the internet. I have posted it for your amusement. I hope you don’t pee your pants laughing, unfortunately, I did. Enjoy!

Beautiful Downtown Williams

On  Monday October 5 the evacuation order for the Twin fire (in the Kaibab National Forest) near Williams, Arizona was lifted, making it possible for 64 families (the entire population of greasy spot Williams) to return to their homes. Sunday’s strong winds were no match for the firefighters that kept the fire to the 1,000 that had already burned. Also they do not expect any additional growth of the fire, which is “10 to 15 percent contained”. The weeks weather is expected to be cooler and drier with slight winds.

Comments:

Janet says:

Gusty winds have been in the forecast for a week – so what group of criminally incompetent government morons used taxpayer money to set this?

be a man says:

I thought it was started by bulls balls saller

October 5, 6:41 PM

Tito says:

exactly Janet, you arent supposed to question the USFS even if their incompetent managers nearly burn 64 families out of their homes.

October 5, 8:08 PM

Nex Preeze says:

It was started by someone with a Williams PO Box 666!
It was Satan, to keep his children warm; the same Satan that runs our government now. Quick, everyone put on your tinfoil hats! Protect yourself from the evil digital airwaves and espresso! If you are small in stature and have many hemorrhoids, buy mini-donuts.

October 5, 11:49 PM

be a man says:

You don’t get it, the govt is systematically poisoning everyone. the fires are to cause fear in the mountain men, with their deer heads and tractors, made em run like little girls, but all are safe with the 666 man.

October 5, 11:54 PM

Nex Preeze says:

HEY! Didn’t anyone know that a prerequisite to USFS is to be a convicted arsonist?
Hey, Be A Man (Do you have balls?), what is best for my tinfoil hat? I use Reynolds Wrap but I was thinking of switching to the Wal-Mart brand. What kind do you use? I use Panda Tampons from Wal-mart for my hemorrhoids what do you use?

October 5, 11:58 PM

be a man says:

Well that wall mart chinee shit is bad for you. I use the store brand for my walls and ceiling, it saved me when the incompetent govt workers flushed the sewer lines outside my house and ejected 2 tons of shit all over the bathrooms and flowed out to the street. everything wiped down nicely because of the foil. it was full of fortune cookies!!! ahhhh

October 6, 12:04 AM

Nex Preeze says:

Hey, Be A Man, you aren’t talking about the fires no more. I think I will because I am farting fire from the jalapenos I ate earlier. It is sure good to be back in my double-wide after that big fire scare. All my neighbors came back too, including the FREAK that wears a donut costume ALL THE TIME just because he owns a coffee shop in town. He is always drunk and is a real creep. He doesn’t bathe either!

October 6, 12:09 AM

be a man says:

Well wilma i be givin’ a hoot you be back in your tin can crap hole. Oh and I prefer to cut my ‘roids

October 6, 12:10 AM

be a man says:

and you shut up about my takin a good cleanin! I bathe with the pregnant goat

October 6, 12:13 AM

Nex Preeze says:

Oh you are SICK! YOU STAY AWAY FROM MY ANIMALS! THEM ANIMALS IS FOR MY STORE!

I will prosecute you to the fullest extent of the law!

YOU FELON, GOAT-LOVIN’, STINKY BALL-SELLIN’ GAY PAROLEE!
COME TO Dara Thai Cafe WHERE THE MEAT IS ALWAYS FRESH!

October 6, 12:25 AM

be a man says:

hey wilma where you at? cant see you through my seeing glass no more. oh and I will send the offspring of my love child

October 6, 12:25 AM

Nex Preeze says:

I ain’t telling you! But I know where you at! But I will meet you tomorrow, back of your JD’s Espresso in the old motel parking lot and we’ll have a booger flickin’ contest and then we’ll really settle this like men! We’ll have an old fashioned farting contest and see how many donuts we can fire-fart through. Loser has to eat them or sell them whichever comes first!
ARE YOU UP TO THE CHALLENGE?

October 6, 12:30 AM

pearl says:

hey wilma that smoke all got up in my drapes, can I borrow your heffer to lick them clean

October 6, 12:31 AM

pearl says:

oh I forgot, I’ll need yer goat to eat the heffer turds

October 6, 12:32 AM

Wilma says:

No but I’ll send JD over to collect them. He smears them all over his body, says it keeps him alive.

October 6, 12:33 AM

pearl says:

oh yes I forgot, I love the chocolate chip donuts

October 6, 12:34 AM

Wilma says:

Thankfully our little piece of paradise in the ass-crack of the United States is once again a safe place for drunkards, biker gangs, tweakers and my neighbor JD’s beastiality exploits on the front lawn. Yes, we are home again. You can spot JD at our next rodeo, he’ll be the one riding the goat and hugging the sheep.

October 6, 12:40 AM

PRESIDENT OBAMA ADMITS HE IS A LIAR TO AMERICAN PEOPLE

By Reporter666

WASHINGTON, D.C.  In his nationally televised speech on Wednesday, September 9, 2009 (9-9-09; I think I see a relation to … 666! and how appropriate for AMABO to make a speech on such an EVIL day)  to the joint houses of the Senate and Representatives, the president openly admitted to telling a lie. He had just stated that illegal immigrants would not be eligible for his health care program and then his next statement was, “That is a lie” and then he coolly and calmly finished his speech.  Reactions of congress ranged from shocked disbelief to absolute agreement.

The citizens, however,  were not surprised and were awakened from the spell that the AMABO had cast upon them. They organized themselves and marched on the capitol on September 12, 2009 to let their voices be heard.

Unfortunately, the AMABO was conveniently out of town that day addressing a coven in Minneapolis.

Meanwhile, in the parking lot, a lot of vehicles sporting AMABO bumper stickers were found to have spawned a new one:

WOMAN BEATEN TO DEATH BY WAL-MART EMPLOYEES AFTER BUYING AMERICAN MADE MICHAEL JACKSON’S THRILLER DVD POLICE REFUSE TO RESPOND

Which one of you ate my brain?

By Mouseé Tongue, cub-reporter, China Bureau, World Daily Planet News

http://www.google.com/hostednews/afp/article/ALeqM5jUcqst3ZW9cVVaQV7XKG3y8SYSIg

In an unprecedented event, a woman who purchased the Thriller DVD of the late Michael Jackson was beaten to death and then eaten outside of a Wal-Mart by store employees. She tried to  phone for help, but her calls to police were ignored. The employees all received big bonuses for their patriotic work and support of the Chinese Communist Party Free Trade Policy plus one year’s supply of blood sausage and a voucher for a free kidney.

Wash Her Down With Johnny Walker Black!

This comes on the heels of China announcing it’s foreclosure on the United States of America on September 20, 2009, when the Chinese Communist Flag will be raised at the AMABO white house. China’s new trade policy is: purchasing anything made in the USA is punishable by immediate death by any means available. However, after September 20, anything currently made in North America will be labeled Made In China. Also the United States of America will be hereby known as the United Slaves of China. Everyone get your Little Red Book! This is all according to the prophesy of Chinese Astrology.

CHINA TO RECEIVE OWNERSHIP OF USA AT FLAG CEREMONY SEPT 20 AT WHITE HOUSE

TRANSLATION: FORECLOSURE NOTICE!

THOSE SNEAKY CHINEEZE!

NO NEED TO RSVP! THE AMABO WILL SPEAK FOR ALL!

http://www.chinadaily.com.cn/china/2009-07/13/content_8422505.htm

China’s national flag to go up in White House on Sept 20
By Hou Lei (chinadaily.com.cn)
Updated: 2009-07-13 16:45

The national flag of the People’s Republic of China (PRC) will be hoisted at the South Lawn of the White House in Washington on September 20, media reported Sunday.

Chinese associations in the United States had applied to hold a ceremony in front of the US President’s residence to celebrate the 60th anniversary of the founding of PRC.

Chen Ronghua, chairman of Fujian Association of the United States, told reporters that their application was approved not only because of the sound Sino-US relations but also because China is a responsible country.

“Many Americans admire China due to the success of last year’s Beijing Olympics,” said Chen.

More than 1,000 people will attend the ceremony and the performances held after it, according to Zhao Luqun, who will direct the performances.

Zhao said the performances will demonstrate the friendship, magnanimous spirit and kindness of modern Chinese people.

AND NOW FOR SOMETHING ON A LIGHTER NOTE:

PANDA JOKE OF THE DAY

A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead.

As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, “Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn’t pay for the food!”

The panda yells back, “Hey, man, I’m a panda. Look it up!”

The bartender opens his dictionary to panda: “A tree-climbing mammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring.

Eats shoots and leaves.”

HAVE A HAPPY SUPERLUCKY DAY!

Spend $5 & Save A Cock!

by G. Santos, reporter World Daily Planet News

In light of the recent expose of the chicken industry where PETA discovered that chicken ranches were disposing of male chicks by dropping them alive into a grinder (http://apnews.myway.com/article/20090901/D9AEI2F01.html AP Exclusive: Video shows chicks ground up alive), a new kind of entrepreneur has emerged in the SF Bay area.

I have uncovered an ad on Craigslist that is offering a most unusual item. It is billed in SF as:

DELICIOUS GABE COCK

100% homo-genized gay chickens; never exposed to females (human or hen) or estrogen! The ultimate fudge packer aphrodisiac known for centuries in ancient China. Throw away the Viagra, eat Gabe’s Faggot Cocks! Raised 100% organically at the Los Banos YMCA.

Save a chick, Eat Gabe’s Cock!

Gay Cock for only $5.  Endorsed by Peta, so you know you are saving these poor creatures from a horrible death!

Gabe’s Pet Cock for sale $5! Perfect gift for your boyfriend!

Why let a perfectly good cock go to waste? Keep it a week and watch it grow! Then eat Gabe’s cock!

I contacted Gabe and was told that my ‘package’ would be Fed-Ex’d overnight to me. The shipping was $83.00 plus the original $5 for the ‘item’. When it arrived, I opened the box to find a half-dead baby chick. I followed the written instructions that came in the box and promptly added 1/4 cup orange juice and 1 cup vodka to my blender, stirred it up for 1 minute, and then dropped in the chick and set the blender to puree for 2 minutes. Shut off the blender and drank my chick. That was one expensive cock-tale.

Ah, c'mon that was funny, I don't care who you are!

A TALE OF TWO TIMMY’S

By reporter666

TACOS, NM. In a secret underground bunker, the two Timmy’s finally met. I have exclusive access to the yet-to-be broadcast dialog/exchange between Timothy Geitner and Timmy (that’s pronounced T-I-M-M-A-E) from South Park.  Here is an excerpt:

TIMMAE!

Huh?

TIMMAE?

Yes.

WHERE WAS GLENN BECK NOW REVEALED

The ISLE of GILLIGAN

By G. Santos, reporter, World Daily Planet News, Metropolis

My sources have revealed that popular talk show host, Glenn Beck, was held in a re-edumacation camp for the past two weeks on the remote Isle of Gilligan at the southwest tip of Barafrica until his rescue.

Mr. Beck was forced to work during the day in the fields growing high cholesterol foods and was nightly tortured by Smith Sheparhd by being forced to eat Sheparhd’s fungus infected toenail clippings. Beck’s captors did not use water boarding, but instead used water ballooning–where the victim runs back and forth in a confined space while being pummeled with water balloons that not only soaks the victim’s $1,000 outfit but also totally ruins the ‘do.

Beck’s rescue was funded and supplied by the great folks at Clorox, CVS, Wal-Mart, and Sprint to name just a few. Additional funding for Mr. Beck’s rescue came from the Stimulus Bailout Package and the Reinvestment Act of 2009.

The Rescue Boat

His rescue team was made up from the best America has to offer: Thomas Jefferson, Thomas Payne, Patrick Henry, Benjamin Franklin, Ronald Reagan and Sarah Palin on shotgun. In addition there was Jane Russell (the movie star), Howard Hughes (the millionaire), Joseph Hazelwood (the Exxon Valdez skipper), and Judas (because there is always at least one).

Glenn's fellow political prisioners

See...I told you! There is ALWAYS at least one JUDAS!

Since his harrowing experience on the island and his daring rescue, Mr. Beck has been reunited with his family and has returned to his syndicated radio show and his television show on FOX News and is none the worse for wear. In fact, when questioned by this reporter about the incident, Mr. Beck denied it ever happened. I, Geraldo Santos, understand that anyone would block out such a horrific memory and want to move on. You go, Glenn!

NASA NOW PLANS TO FARM FISH IN SPACE

UH OH WE FORGOT ABOUT GAMMA RAYS! LOOKS LIKE WE NEED A BIGGER BOAT!

By C. Kent, reporter, World Daily Planet News, Metropolis

On the heels of a depressing report on the high mercury content in our nation’s streams and rivers and the fish living in those streams, the AMABO has ordered NASA to take up a new and more ambitious project in addition to blowing up the earth’s moon (see NASA LAUNCHES ROCKET TO BLOW UP THE MOON). NASA is now taking up fish farming in space! Inside the next shuttle launch will be hundreds of fish tanks filled with babies of all species of fish. When the shuttle reaches earth orbit, the tanks will be released and tethered to the space station. The occupants of the space station will be responsible for feeding the fish and cleaning the tanks. The shuttle crew will be responsible for harvesting the catch and bringing it back to earth for processing. The harvest will be featured on next season’s The Deadliest Catch.

Hi there! Zero Gravity Is Fun!

On another note, people of color should refrain from eating contaminated fish from earth especially white sea bass as they could suffer the same fate as Michael Jackson as he consumed tons of this fish and ultimately turned into a white woman and then died due to the fact that the compact fluorescent in his head blew up.  And now his brain is being studied by the U.S. Fish and Game Department. Welfare recipients around the nation are being denied benefits because they have turned white overnight because they ate too much government canned tuna. We are currently investigating the effects of government cheese and will report our findings.

Oh look some bail out money!

Also due to the increased lethal levels in our nation’s fish, the AMABO has now ordered every manufacturer of light bulbs to use fish inside instead of compact fluorescent powder so that when the bulb dies you can eat it or donate it to a shelter under AMABO’S Feed American Program.

Oh Yeah! This should be easy!

NEW MANTRA FROM THE AMABO FOR SENIORS AND CRITCALLY ILL YOUNGER PEOPLE

HAVE YOU SEEN THESE POSTED AT YOUR LOCAL CLINIC OR HOSPITAL WAITING ROOM?

Hey it's grape flavor! Yum Yum!

CHAOS ERUPTS IN COURTROOM

By J. Olsen, cub-reporter, World Daily Planet News, Metropolis

Exclusive shot of attempted murder of Chief Dog-Breaking-Wind

This is an UPDATE to my story NATIVES SOUND OFF IN COURT

The courtroom testimony of Chief Dog-Breaking-Wind was interrupted today by the AMABO attempting to strangle the chief with a garrote. The chief was protected by the poisoned spines on his native headdress. The shocking incident occurred when the chief was being cross-examined by the Barafrican state attorney, Ms. Cass Traate, and was explaining how he would never ever bend over and take it in the ass for AMABO. Just then, up sprang the AMABO from behind the witness chair and the struggle began. It took 7 warriors to subdue the AMABO who was screeching gibberish while foaming at the mouth. The AMABO was drug out of the courthouse in heavy restraints into the arms of 6 of his private security force who finally silenced the AMABO by stuffing ACORNS in his mouth.

Exclusive photo of the AMABO security force captain

Chief Dog-Breaking-Wind was unhurt in the incident and was heard to yell at AMABO “I put a curse on you and your minions. Explosive diarrhea for you all!” No sooner had the chief uttered those words, the courtroom was bursting with runny smelly excrement pouring out of the buttholes of officers of the court and many many of the spectators. (This reporter is glad he is not and never was an AMABO supporter.) Then the presiding judge I. Wil Pokemass called for a recess for the day. It is unclear when testimony will continue as the courtroom needs a hazmat cleanup and as of this writing many of the participants are still suffering from explosive diarrhea.

JUST RELEASED: ACORN CENSUS TAKER UNIFORMS

By J. Rooney, still a midget/reformed dog rapist/reporter, World Daily Planet News, Metropolis

Have you seen these people wandering around your neighborhood? Well, in a bizarre turn of events, the AMABO administration has just released preliminary photos of the new ACORN census taker uniforms to the public.  The AMABO felt that the public should be shown the new ACORN uniforms as to prevent unnecessary calls to the police when the ACORN census takers start making the rounds across Barafrica.  So if you see this uniform in your neighborhood, I think you know what to do. If you don’t, just watch the old Frankenstein movie starring Boris Karloff. Think villagers, frightened angry villagers. . .

How about a little fire, scarecrow?

OBAMA JOKER POSTER IN LA

YOU’VE BEEN LOOKING AND NOW YOU HAVE FOUND IT! THANKS FOR VISITING MY BLOG! DON’T BE NEUTERED AMERICA!

I FOUND IT AT : http://news.lalate.com/2009/08/03/obama-joker-poster/

AND ALSO AT: http://www.examiner.com/x-14650-Entertainment-Examiner~y2009m8d3-Obama-Joker-poster-causes-confusion-and-anger

WOW!

SAFARI GROUP ATTACKED BY KILLER BUTTERFLIES

Barafrican 'CrackHead' Butterfly

by C. Kent, reporter, World Daily Planet News

BARAFRICA.  Butterflies throughout history have been associated with gentleness and sweetness. Well, that is until now. In what can only be described as total mayhem, a group of tourists on safari in Barafrica were viciously attacked by a swarm of killer butterflies.  “We had just stopped and exited our  jeeps and we were out looking at the different animals on the savannah, when all of a sudden from out of nowhere a huge swarm of butterflies came down on us and attacked!”, said S. Irwin, safari guide.  A group of 40 tourists were treated for severe bite wounds and scratches, according to the local hospital spokesman, Nikindee Ubuntu. “We have known of this in the past, but it has only been reported by the remote tribal peoples of the Muleatto and AssStink. We have never seen it in our M’kindle Game Preserve ever!” “Everyone was running around and screaming”, said Lars Ooomf, a tourist from Greenland. “My wife is blind now, they ate out her eyes!”

All upcoming safari treks to the savannah have been canceled until the park is deemed safe according to Ipnikle Eteetam, director of the game preserve.   “We have everyone who visits the park sign a waiver that clearly states that all the animals in our park are dangerous. These butterflies only have a life span of 1000 days (which would explain their viciousness), so I no worry”.

I visited the attack site and was horrified to see severed arms and legs strewn about the abandoned rovers and a human head  being finished off by the giant Barafrican vulture, Bernankeee.  Black gooey butterfly excrement (which is indicative of a high presence of blood) was everywhere, and the local tribal peoples, the EHCOURN, were collecting it to use in the leading export of Barafrica, AMABO-GROE fertilizer, as currently used in the White House ‘organic’ garden.  It is this reporter’s opinion that everything in and from Barafrica is a killer.

ANOTHER WELFARE RECIPIENT DENIED BENEFITS THEN PROMPTLY DISPATCHES INELIGIBLE DEPENDENT

By IAN AL Simers, head honcho

IF YOU STARE AT HIM HE WILL POSSESS YOU--LOOK AWAY. LOOK AWAY!

First there was the Crazee in Bakersfield, and now this one in San Antonio. AMABO is working his magic on the peoples. Madness is the norm, not the exception. Read on and I hope you haven’t just finished eating.

http://www.mysanantonio.com/news/2-week-old_baby_stabbed_to_death.html

Web Posted: 07/27/2009 1:05 CDT

Mom told police she killed newborn

By Eva Ruth Moravec and Michelle Mondo- Express-News

In what police describe as one of the most gruesome crimes against a child in recent memory, an infant boy was stabbed, decapitated and mutilated early Sunday

{Notice this was done on a Sunday, coincidence? I think not!}–IAN AL Simers

His 33-year-old mother claimed responsibility, police said.

Otty Sanchez told police that she was “hearing voices” {wasn’t obama on the radio that weekend?} and that the devil made her kill Scott Wesley Buchholtz Sanchez, to whom she gave birth on June 30, San Antonio police spokesman Joe Rios said.

Sanchez used a steak knife to repeatedly stab the nearly 4-week-old baby, then decapitate and mutilate him, Rios said. A police source said the baby was skinned and gutted. {Hummm…Somebody is a hunter!}–IAN AL Simers

Sanchez then used the knife to stab herself in the chest and abdomen, police said. {Hummm….why didn’t she just SLIT HER THROAT AND WRISTS?!}–IAN AL Simers

Sanchez was detained and taken to University Hospital, where she remained in stable condition Sunday night. She was charged by proxy late Sunday with capital murder, which is punishable by the death penalty. Bond was set at $1 million.

The brutal crime unfolded in a single-story home in the 300 block of Wayside Drive, where police were called just before 5 a.m. According to police, Sanchez lives in the North Side home with her sister and the sister’s two children, and Sanchez’s mother stays in a small, separate structure behind the house.

Neighbor Elaine Colchin said that just months ago, she was cleaning out her garage when Sanchez’s mother stopped by and asked for a discarded baby bed.

“I gave it to her, and she was so happy, she was going to paint it for her new grandson,” Colchin said. “It was a family bed — my daughter, son and husband all used it; now it turned out to be a nightmare.”

It was Sanchez’s mother who called police Sunday. She told them she was awakened by Sanchez around 4:30 a.m. She said she saw her daughter sitting with the boy. He had been decapitated, a police report said. Sanchez’s mother took the baby, put him on a bed and called police, according to the report.

When police arrived, Sanchez was sitting on a couch, yelling, “I killed my baby. I want to die,” the report said.

An officer found the child’s body lying in blood on a bed next to the knife, believed to be the weapon used in the killing, and two swords, which Rios said were not involved in the death. Authorities were seen carrying two bags out of the home, and officials on the scene confirmed that they contained the baby’s remains.

The baby was missing body parts, and police were investigating claims the mother made to them about ingesting those parts, sources said. {C’mon, you knew that was coming. Jeesh! BURN THE WITCH!}–IAN AL Simers

Colchin was surprised to hear that Sanchez, who brought her baby across the street for a visit last week, is a suspect in the infant’s death, though she admits Sanchez sometimes appeared a bit odd.

“She was never aggressive; always sweet,” Colchin said. “She did seem to be living in a world of her own, but she must have been deranged. I feel so sorry for that baby, the little angel.” {Why? He’s in Heaven now, safe and away from his evil mother!}–IAN AL Simers

Rios said Sanchez did not have a criminal history related to mental illness, but police will investigate that further, and the district attorney’s office will handle how Sanchez’s mental state affected her actions.

There was one police report on file, from May 2008, when Sanchez’s mother called police to report that Sanchez went to Austin and didn’t return. In the report, the mother told police she believed that Sanchez went to Austin to use drugs and that Sanchez was not suffering from mental issues.

The two children of Sanchez’s sister were home at the time of the baby’s death and were not injured.

Rios said initial information showed that the baby was Sanchez’s only child {Only living child!}–IAN AL Simers. The baby’s father, who did not live with Sanchez, was notified. A relative of the father said the family did not want to comment.

PLEASE FEEL FREE TO COMMENT ON THIS ATROCITY!

LAID-OFF APPLE EMPLOYEES FIND NEW USE FOR THE i-PHONE!

By Jim Rooney, midget, reformed dog-rapist and reporter-in-training; World Daily Planet News, Metropolis

Run Steve, run! Steve Jobs now has a new app for his wonderful invention, the i-phone! Many of his laid-off employees have taken it to heart and are seeking him out to show him just how wonderfully it works!

Hi mom, guess what I'm gonna do!

Now any crazee can kill and have a conference call with his agent, attorney and broker. Oh this is just wonderful! I love Appel. They are always on the forefont of the tech world. Oh my bitch of a wife is barking at me! Wish I had one of these.